Saturday, June 13, 2009

Withdrawing

Above all, I hate failure. But I'm going to withdraw from the Summer Challenge because I feel like it's a failure to withdraw but I'm failing if I stay in it.

I've gotten to the point where I'm completely freaked out about my weight and I can't share the number with you all right now. I can't even trust the number. Last Monday it was 127. I got down to 119 before the fast (didn't weigh myself during fasting), and then I had to break the fast because I was babysitting.

I'm too ashamed to tell you what I weigh. I think even if I weighed 22 pounds, I would be embarrassed. I'm just weird about numbers right now. So I need to get my head straight, figure out something that works for me, and stick to the straight and narrow path. NARROW.

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I'm still tired of everyone telling me I'm too skinny, but the other night I found a photograph of myself at a "normal" weight. I know we are always talking about people being jealous, but I guess people are just so used to muffin tops being normal, that we get alarmed (as a society) by anything else. But I have some serious muffin toppage in this photograph. So it makes me feel better to see this photo because every once in awhile I think to myself, "Am I too thin? Did I look better?" UM NO. This picture is proof.

I think I'll have to show it to you all. I'll find a picture of myself at my current weight (they are few and far between, other than the grad photos where I'm wearing a tent, because I avoid photographs) so you can see what I'm talking about. Fair warning, I'll probably cut off my head, because I don't want anyone to be like "Wow, I pictured Savory as being *pretty* like all the other bloggers" so you can just put in whatever monster or model face you picture me as ;)

Maybe some day I'll be able to face up to you all.

Much love to everyone! All the garbage and food has been taken out of the house, so I'm excited to start fresh this week!! And my apologies to the Blue Team. I'll still be cheering you all on :)

4 comments:

beginner said...

Thank you for your info.

Not being able to share your weight even on an anonymous blog, you must feel bad. I hope you can start over and find something to figure yourself out.
I think pictures are a good reminder. I've never had a picture of myself where my body shows well. I've always worn rather baggy clothes since I can remember, except when I have to be fancy.. I hate that.

Anyway, I took a picture of my stomach and I hope it will help... somehow. Men.. I feel like I start talking about myself way too much..

I guess I'm still too much of a newbie to be giving out tips but...
have you ever thought of or could you just maintain your weight for about a week or two? Then maybe you'd feel fresh and regenerated for a new start... I don't know. You have my best wishes.

Pasco said...

I have just got my weight down to a point where I can see that I'm starting to look OK. I'll never shake out all the flaws, and I'll never be able to eat properly again, but sometimes I look in the mirror and think, damn, I'm starting to look shit hot! When you start seeing the fruits of your labour you start seeing that it really is worth it.

And looking back on old pictures of myself I was just grotesque. People can tell me I'm getting too skinny now, but really, the proof is in the pudding (or lack thereof). I look a zillion times better now, men pay attention, strangers are nice to me, and if my friends are uncomfortable with that, they can stick it up em. Jealous. Bitches.

Tri Thin said...

I'm with you on hating people who say things like 'you're too thin' - So Friday night I was out with my fat mom friend and she said something again about my weight and I snapped - 'You would never tell someone you thought they were too fat and you thought it was unhealthy, so stop telling me you think I'm too thin'
-
she looked really pissed off, but I think it is a fair double standard to point out, both extremes can be unhealthy and I just really needed her to shut the fuck up.

I wonder what would happen if I told every fat person I knew I thought they could use to lose a couple lbs after they told me I was too thin...mmm, might be a good way to lose all those fat friends :)

nadja said...

you don't have to be ashamed, sweetie. it's hard and we all know it! lots of love.

 
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