ED Team

So I was having a mini-anxiety attack today during work because I've missed my second psych appointment in 3 days (today's was supposed to be the rescheduled appointment after I missed my first one!). I really need to get better anxiety meds AND my Ambien is running out...

Decided to try drop in counseling to see about getting more meds (with some hesitance, as last year I did a drop in appointment and it landed me in the hospital... ugh). /Somehow because I felt like crawling up the wall or jumping out a window, I ended up spilling everything about my eating, or lack of, and the counselor wanted to refer me to the "ED Team."

A little creeped out that they refer to themselves that way, honestly. I told her I have no interest in eating more food. I just want to keep losing weight (fast) and keep everything the same, minus the binging and the depression.

Somehow she talked me into seeing a nurse practitioner to "talk" on Monday. But I really don't think I can/want be talked out of my ED. I'm too fat to recover.

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Does anyone know how to do the invisible/white text trick? I want to start doing this when I list food items, so people can choose to highlight it or skip over it if lists of foods are triggering...

Intake for today: 100cals.

To Do Lists

I'm in a bad mood.

Threw away the granola this morning. Opened the bag and shook it into the trash can. Surely I would never dig loose granola out of the trash. I think that would be me hitting rock bottom.

Also threw away my green olives. Ate too many yesterday, and while they are low cal... they are NOT low in sodium.

So from the granola and olives I'm like uber puffy. It sickens me. I just want to be small again.

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Today I am allowed 100 calories but I'm only having 50cals (strawberries that I ate for "lunch"). Need NEED NEED to slim down. I have a huge list of things that need to be done and I can't seem to manage to do anything.

If I can just get my weight down, everything else will fall into place, yes?

ouch

Ok. So I'm dumb. And totally regret my anti-sunblock rant because now I'm sunburned.

This is not my fault. Well it is, but it's never my fault. How was I supposed to know that ANYONE could burn when it was 74 degrees out?!

Thankfully it's just my shoulders and part of my back/neck. I took a picture to show you all, but my arms looked too fat so sorry you can't see my "wife beater" burn. haha.

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Got super anxious yesterday about the tapas so I had BF call my friend to tell him I was having anxiety from my medication. So I didn't go, which makes me happy because I like to eat by myself unless it's something like lunch today where I packed 50cals worth of grapes and 20cals of strawberries so I could feel ok about eating in public.

I *think* I'm out of the 120s again, yay! This means ABC has already kicked the graduation fat out the door. Unfortunately, I stopped by Whole Foods to get more grapes and something led me to the granola isle. Damn it, they had my FAVORITE kind. It's the kind you have to scoop out of the little bin because it's local... Vanilla Cherry with dried cherries. It's white and pink.

Damn. So I ate a bit of that. But I was holding on to my remaining 200 calories today like my life depended on it, so I think I'm ok. And I haven't even been able to get to 500 because it just seems like a HUGE number right now. Isn't it strange how calories can do that? Sometimes 80 seems like nothing and sometimes it seems like a great reward. 500 right now seems like too much... I guess if I keep up this mindset, ABC shouldn't be a problem.

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I took passport photos today to send to the school I'm going to go to next year for my masters. Funny actually, I walked into the copy place right after work (so I was wearing the wife beater, no make up, and my hair was pulled into a ponytail and headband) and asked the guy how late they were open. Then I showered and did my hair and put on slightly too much make up, as I'm convinced that you have to cake it on otherwise my pictures come out with me looking awful, and went back.

Me: "Can I get my passport photos taken, please?"
Guy at Register: "Sure. Over here.... erm, were you here a few hours ago?"
(it's only actually been like an hour but whatevs)
Me: "Oh yeah. I had just gotten off work."
Guy: "Wow! You look so... different!!"
Me: "Uhhhh right."

OK, douche bag, put your tongue back in your mouth. A) I had just done 4 hours of manual labor and was damn proud of myself B) I'm wearing whore make up so I look normal in my picture C) Even if I DO have low self-esteem, I am out of your league.

I have to admit though, I keep looking at the crappy Polaroid pictures because I look fucking thin! It's obviously a lie or a gimmick but I have such a sharp chin and prominent cheekbones in them. I even asked if I could keep the ones with my eyes closed because they're magical or something. Hmm... if in fact, I do actually look like this, I do not know what everyone is fucking talking about because I will take this over my chubby old round face any day.

Seriously, get these pictures away from me. And someone hand me some aloe!

Tapas

I have to meet my friend's new fling tonight. Stupidly I told him last week that this tapas place was really good... so now I'm roped into going there. UGH. I'll just pretend to take nibbles of food. Thankfully since it's all shared, no one notices that you haven't eaten.

Hopefully I don't have to order a drink to fit in. If I do, I found out the calorie content of my favorite dessert wine (Moscato d'Asti - 140cals) and I'll just get that and sip.

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Yesterday and today I am allowed 500cals (or less). Yesterday I had my grapes (50cals for 25 grapes) and a plate of raw broccoli w/ mustard (30-40cals). So 90cals total.

Today I had a little more than a cup of watermelon (40-50cals). I'll probably eat a cucumber (45cals) right before we go out so I'm not tempted by anything at the tapas bar, but it's good to know I have some wiggle room today... not that I'm planning to use it.

Ho hum. I'll post my weight loss every Sunday just because I want to post real weight loss, not just water loss or anything. But I'm already down and feel better so I'm quite pleased.

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Last Friday I ended up ranting to my therapist about my blog and how much I prefer blogging to real socializing at times. She doesn't know what kind of blog it is, only that I communicate with a lot of individuals "who can relate." I've never told this therapist about my food issues.

She smiled and asked if she could see my blog sometime.

Uhhhhhh... no. Of course, I smiled back at her and said "Maybe someday." Fuck, it's anonymous for a reason. *rolls eyes*

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Faz27 has started a Weight Loss Competition that looks fun. I am joining the Red Team. I encourage everyone else to check out the rules and join in!

All my love, and a special shout out to any guys that are reading! I have tried to stop using "girls" and "ladies" as I don't want to exclude anyone ;)

Retreat!!

Everyone has finally left, and I can start to get things back on track. It was terrible how much food I had to eat, my mother and I agreed we had never eaten so much in our lives stacked up like that... but BF's family, it seems, socializes through eating. "OK we'll all meet up for dinner/lunch/brunch/dessert" UGH. But BF's mom kept tut-tutting at me about my weight so I had to keep up appearances.

Her: "That dress looks so pretty on you. Where did you get it?"
Me: "Oh, it's a vintage dress I found in a little shop."
Her: "I imagine you've probably had to buy a whole new wardrobe..."
Me: "Pardon? I don't understand what you mean."
Her: "*embarrassed* Well, you look a lot more... erm, trim!"
Me: "*awkward* OH! Well um not really."

It's almost sad. I was asking BF how much weight he thinks I've lost in the past 2 months (15-20lbs) and he said THIRTY! God. It just shows me that I can never go back to that weight because clearly I looked like a cow. Now I'm just a little cow. Or a piglet.

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I've gotten sunburned from going to 4 outdoor graduations in the past week. But I refused to wear sunblock because A) I was lazy B) It was sticky C) I'm of the opinion I'll just burn anyway somewhere.

A little color is looking good on me. The pink is fading and turning into a tan. I'm normally SO pale but I have the ability to tan sometimes which I attribute to my strange mix of genes (Anglo + Italian) and the fact that I'm always covered in layers and indoors.

But the small tan on my arms and face make me feel so much thinner. It makes me want to start tanning. This is a bad idea because I've already had melanoma in high school (bleh that was an ordeal)... so everyone is super frightened that I'll just fall over and die one day after I spent too long in the sun.

Sigh.... I start working next week on this outdoor project for a month. I'd like to get an "accidental" tan so that I can't feel guilty. Bought a bunch of camisoles and I'm going to Target today to pick up some men's undershirts. Ah, I'm so bad. But I refuse to have a farmer's tan. So bad but it feels so good.

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Pasco and Ophelia have inspired me to start ABC. My weight during/after this graduation week has gone up to and maintained at about 121... which is surprising for me. I mean, I know that's a huge gain from like 115 but I can't even tell you what gross things went into my mouth 3 or more times a day. So I was so worried I would be 125, 130, or 140.

But just to be safe, I'm going to say my start weight is 123.

Yay! I'm excited. I have loads of good produce from Costco (BULK BULK BULK) so I won't run out and start binging on bad things. My goal is to try and eat something small every few hours rather than saving it up for one meal, because that usually ends up in failure.

Off to go eat some frozen grapes! Maybe some mustard and raw broccoli for dinner.

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P.S. I don't tell you all enough, but I absolutely love reading everyone's blogs and hearing your comments on my blog. You all send me the most insightful and curious comments. Basically everyone, you are fabulous!

Think Thin or Stay Fat!!

Low Calorie Tapas

Some google searches that have lead people to my blog:

*"I had swine flu"
*"Pigged out my fat"
*"Word for sick from fried food"
*"Laxative short term fit dress"
*"Irrational anger in boyfriends"
*"While I am going step forward ... sick"
*"Loan pictures for posting"

*"Sick of everything blog"
I especially find that one fitting.

*"What kind of site is Savory Sick?"
I'm not sure if I should be concerned about this... my imagination ran wild with what kind of person might be googling this. It involved kitten sweaters, soccer games, and a quiet midwestern town. Or it could be something completely different. I should just stick to concrete things instead of letting my mind wander.

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A lot of people find my blog searching for "low calorie tapas" ... this my friends, I can help you with.

I've found the following exhaustive list of tapas with ingredients and recipes for each. So you know what you're ordering and what the fuck is in it!

Now, when I go out for tapas, I find that most of the food... like all "bar" food, is usually fried and greasy. But never fear! The wonderful thing about Spanish Tapas is you share the little plates, and no one really pays much attention to how little or how much you are consuming.

But generally, you want to stay away from the aioli, anything fried, and things that look creamy. Things that are sauteed are ok because they're using olive oil. Don't be afraid of olive oil! It's good for you.

And munch on olives if you feel you need to be eating more or there's nothing for you to eat. The olives are super healthy and are usually marinated in vinegar (which suppresses the appetite and is GOOD FOR YOU!). If you look around, there's usually fish options that are safe as well.

My safe bet is usually olives, gazpacho, and if I want to splurge I'll go for patatas bravas (because sauteed potatoes and tomatoes are better than fried balls of who knows what).

But look through the list and be glad that you're prepared for any tapas bar your friends can throw at you.

Don't forget about alcohol. Calorie wise... Liquer > Wine > Beer > Cider > Cocktails.

Venus of Willendorf

So real women have curves?

Am I the only one who has always been insulted by that statement? In all my rantings and ravings, I have nothing against overweight women. My mother, Paula Deen, is overweight, and she's possibly the most wonderful woman I know--most of the time.

But I do have a problem with certain concepts within the "fat feminist" movement... which came out of 2nd wave (that should start to give you a hint, as 2nd wave feminism may have opened a lot of doors, but they also set women back, in my opinion). Yes, fat people are discriminated against. Have you ever watched a TV show and just felt sorry for one of the actors because you know they got the job simply because they're obese? And their role in the plot revolves around their weight? It's sad, truly.

But the answer isn't to strike out against everyone else and glorify these women as the "real women." I've never been chesty. It's quite embarrassing really. So when I gain weight, I gain it pretty consistently everywhere, and maintain this sad little pear shape. And when I lose weight, it's the same thing. So, needless to say, even at my heaviest, I've never really had "curves" ...maybe child-bearing hips, but that's about it. So, when America Ferrera's 2002 movie came out, in my sophomore year of high school, I felt singled out.

I'm not a real woman?

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In 1908, archaeologists in Austria discovered a curious little pre-historic statuette they would jokingly name the "Venus of Willendorf." Her carving is suggested to be an idealized representation of female fertility (with pronounced genitals, belly, and breasts) and not a realistic portrayal of a woman.

Though it was a joke to compare her to Classical depictions of Greco-Roman Venus (with a small but shapely body, and modesty that's nowhere to be seen in the pre-historic figurine), one can see a juxtaposition between the "primitive" and the "civilized."

I argue, that this same depiction can be seen today. Models/celebrities versus "real women." And somehow, thin women are not real.

Now, I think this has an interesting twist. Why are even anorexics shocked by "pregorexia?" For the two reasons that: A) The woman in question is endangering a life other than her own and B) Even we associate fertility and child-birth with ideals of curvaceousness and weight gain. It's natural.

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Does our pre-historic Venus represent a wiser people's realization that "real women" have curves? That we should be idealizing and worshiping fat? I don't think so. I believe that there's a difference between fertility and womanhood. And I don't think that body size or shape has anything to do with how much of a woman you are (if you really want to get into it, I think the argument can be made that pre-historically there was less access to food and a large woman would represent someone who had more resources, and thus it would have been a status symbol, but that's an aside).

If you listen to the rhetoric of fat feminism and the fat acceptance movements, you'll notice something interesting. They always use eating disorders as the foil. If you don't accept fat women, "big beautiful women," you are putting women at risk to develop disordered body image, anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS.

Who are they trying to convince to accept them? The general population? Or themselves?

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Bottom Line: Be proud of who you are, fat or skinny, and don't resort to putting the other side down to bring yourself up.