The Plan, Stan

A big welcome and thanks to my new followers/readers!

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Here's my plan for the rest of the week.

So I calculated the daily calories necessary to maintain my weight as it is now (1560ish, assuming my BMR is 1388) then divided that number by seven--as in days of the week--and came up with ~222.

This is the number of calories I cannot exceed daily. I have no real rationalization for why I'm doing this or why I think this will work... it's an experiment! For all I know, this will be as effective as only eating things with pink wrappers. Or something equally absurd.

I'm still going to try and vary my calories between 0 and 222 so that my metabolism won't get used to any specific caloric intake. After I restrict extremely, I'll go back to restricting between zero and eight-hundred (I don't know why I'm spelling out numbers sometimes and listing them other times, Straaange!).

Girls in the competition, I can't promise I won't weigh myself.... just not at the point that I can successfully break myself from the daily scale affair. I'll try my darndest though. I'm apparently back on the Topamax and Wellbutrin just for funzies. I apparently can't keep routines or break them.

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I'll post my meal plans for the next few days, as if they're *published* well then, damn, I have to stick to them ;) You can skip this part. I'm just going to pretend that everyone in the world has read this and will be EXTREMELY disappointed if I don't religiously stick to these meals:

April 6
-little apple (50)
-vegetable broth (20)+carrot (21)
total=91
**today I had no appetite so I didn't eat anything! weird**

April 7
-4 celery sticks (21)+buffalo wing sauce
-1 carrot (21)
-5 tender bits (100)
-popcorn (30)
total=175

April 8
-oatmeal (170)+almond milk (10)
-vegetable broth (20)+carrot (21)
total=221

April 9
-pear (51)
-4 celery (24)
-3 tender bits (60)
-popcorn (30)
total=164

April 10
-Indian curry (150)
-1/2 whole wheat tortilla (65)
total=215

April 11
-little apple (50)
-popcorn (30)
-1 tender bit (20)
total=100

All the popcorn listings are optional, as a may or may not eat them... but they're bulky, low cal (air popped!), and I can season them if I want. I can also choose to fast for a day instead of sticking to one of the meal plans.

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Keep up the fierce competition for those girls who are in it to win it :)
Adventurously yours!

Cheers,
Savory

Tip Share 2009 #2

Still fasting. Day 3. Hate food. Weighed myself (keeps me motivated... I know bad idea). Down another 1.5lbs since yesterday. Almost out of the dreaded 120s!

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I woke up and I don't know if I invented this or if I read it somewhere, then dreamed it, and then remembered it and thought I invented it. So if I didn't invent it, I'm sorry I'm not crediting whoever did :)

Get a piece of string, or twine, or cord, or chain... preferably something lovely that you'd like with you at all times. Measure it to your IDEAL (i.e. an attainable ideal, not a corseted ideal or something like that) waist measurement. Or bust or hip or thigh or whatever measurement is most important to you.

If you're using string or something of that sort make sure you burn the edges so it won't fray and ruin itself. Teeny tiny dabs of hot glue work just fine as well. After you've cut your string to its ideal length and properly secured the edges, fasten it with a knot that you can easily undo now and then (here's a list of Sailor's Knots that might be suitable)... if you want to get really fancy, you can add a jewelery clasp to the end. Just make sure to account for the extra length this adds and do some math :)

You can embellish your new string with beads or medallions or whatever suits you. I prefer to keep mine bare as not to mess up the measurement. But again, figure out the math and you'll be fine :)

Loop the string as many times as needed until it makes a comfortable bracelet around your wrist. Wear this to remember your goals. You can use it to measure how close you are, and as a physical reminder when you feel like slipping or losing control.

This might also be a good alternative for girls or guys who don't want to be obvious about wearing an ana bracelet or don't necessarily agree with the message it sends, but would like a physical emphasis on what they are trying to achieve. It's especially difficult because the ana bracelet has received so much media attention. So when you can't keep your thinspo book with you, know you still have something with you to keep you on track (and will literally track your progress!).

Water Fasting - Day 2

I am SO sick of food. Get away from me. Ugh.

Go now and look at [Sophia Ruins] blog. Now now, hurry! If that doesn't make you want to put down the cake, and even the celery sticks and start a water fast, I don't know what will.

Water fasting. Cleansing the temple that is my body.

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Got back from my therapy appointment, yesterday. I haven't seen a psychologist since last August aside from my semi-regular appointments with my shrink, so I forgot all the little nuances. Like the fact that she wanted to blame everything on my childhood.

In their defense, if I told you everything that's happened to me (and I forgot to tell her some important details) in 30 minutes, you'd think that was the root of all my problems too. I don't know why they expect you to hash out all those details in such a short time without it looking like everyone's a fucked up mess, and a sociopath... since I've told it so many times I can be rather deadpan about the whole thing now. lol

I never do well in therapy... somehow, I always end up in my head talking to myself hoping that I haven't just rolled my eyes at said therapist. She's totally decided that my binging is a symptom of some larger problem and that it will resolve itself once we tackle the anxiety. Fuck that. Fix my binging bitch!

Sigh. She kind of likes to infantile me. Using words like "Big Savory needs to comfort Little Savory." (She believes in the "inner child") Worse. She said that I need to conquer my anxieties or... wait for it... Idea monsters. Ok ok ok. I can deal with the fact that she's literate and knows her stuff, but stop calling everything by stupid names.

So now I have to tell my Idea Monsters to go away every time they pop into my head. I think this includes urges to binge? If it doesn't, I'm going to pretend it does. I'm giving her one more chance on Monday when we're supposed to do the hypnosis business, and if there's not a miracle, then, I'll just have to die a bloated pig who can't stop binging apparently.

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But because I can't trust her to help me, it's water fasting all the way! This time I'm in the mindset. I've got my handy empty Sobe Lean bottle ready to fill and re-fill. I'm sick of food, and I'm sick of fat.

Already down 3 pounds since yesterday (most of it weight that's FINALLY come off from the sad binges of previous days, so I'm at equilibrium again). So ready to hold my head high and refuse food.

Cheers,
Savory

My New Mantra

Ok. I need to get a few things off my chest. Hopefully no one feels I am being cruel in the process, I'm just tired of my own shit and excuses.

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But, in order for myself to be better, I need to come to terms with something. [Button], thank you for following me, I welcome you as a reader :) However, I want you to know that your presence is extremely triggering for me. That said, it's my own fucking fault I chose to binge on burritos and chocolate because I couldn't process my own emotions after reading your blog. I'll get over it.

There's a girl at my school who's writing her thesis on pro-ana online communities. I've had to avoid her like the plague. Literally. When it came time for her to present her findings, I had to excuse myself because I didn't want to out myself (I had a post dedicated to this, it was so much more eloquent but alas).

There's a lot of things I avoid. The Food Network. Donut shops. Restaurants. My friends.

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That being said, I'm tired of emotional eating. And I'm tired of being stuck in the low 120s. I'm tired of being a fat cow pig whore to food. If you haven't gone and read [Jenna's new post]... uh do it now, and bask in the glory that is the sunshine of her words.

Jenna and her inspiring, motivating self is my Mantra. All you girls really are.

If I feel myself falter from my well planned meals for the week (today --> 73 cals. I can do it, no prob!), I will silently chant ya'll names and remember how strong everyone is.

Do I want to be the only weakling in a pack of vicious kickass girls? Uh. I don't take orders from food.

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Anyone else want matching leather jackets right about now? In XS?

Forbidden Fridays

God I'm such a failure at life.

I can't go into details here... it's not safe, but I seriously need to see that fucking therapist soon. She's got to fix me.

Though I've come to the conclusion that all therapy is quack.

Put myself back on Wellbutrin and Topamax to try and kill cravings. I'm not hoping for anything else. Though after last night's shitty horrible migraine, being on Topamax might be a necessity again.

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So, I'm going to try out a new strategy. What if I allow myself one "cheat day" ? Whenever I hear about other people doing this, I roll my eyes and think about how weak they are. But girls, wait for my rationalization before you think the same thing about me.

If I tell myself that every, say, Friday, I can eat whatever the fuck I want... Doesn't have to be Vegan, or healthy, or Vegetarian (though I don't think I can ever eat meat again), or any calorie limit... perhaps it will quell any binges I might have during the week because I'll know that nothing is forbidden, I just need to have the willpower to wait.

Then when Friday rolls around I'll be so ecstatic with the pounds I've lost I won't even want to touch all that shitty terrible food. And if I do, we all know I can't even reach 2,000 calories even if I try.

IDK, I'm so fed up with my fat self and I'm SO over the 120s. Hah.

So new plan going into action starting now. But this Friday doesn't count because I've already binged this week. So, next Friday!

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Thanks for reading lovelies. You and your blogs keep me moderately sane :)

crawling out of my skin

I hate uni. Way way way too stressful. I'm President of an on-campus group, and my co-President is like 45 years old, a returning student. Because of this, she acts like she's got all her shit together, and has a harder life than me because she has to "juggle school" with taking care of her teenage kids and lives in the suburbs. Boo Hoo. She wouldn't survive one day in my broke, crazy, starving body. She vacillates between acting like my best friend and acting like my mother. I hate both... but the later more. Anyway, I check my email daily for my junk mail (Travelocity, HGTV newsletters, United Airlines offers, etc), my real mail (blogger comments, updates on graduation, random emails from people pretending to care about me), and then I know that I'm going to get some kind of mail from her or someone that will force me to interact with her.

To top it off, I just want to sleep all day again and skip my classes (which I can't do at this point because both professors would notice my absence), and just waste away somewhere.

I'm crawling out of my skin.

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Binged last night. I don't know what triggered it. Have you ever gone online and read any of the articles about how to stop binging? They're all CRAP. It's all the same things like: "Find your triggers... Don't eat emotionally... Give yourself permission to eat what you want... Wait ___ minutes before eating... Process your emotions."

Bullshit. All of it. That's not going to help. I know most of my triggers and it still doesn't matter. And I can wait 15 minutes or 5 hours and I'll still want to binge. Oh, and if I "permit" myself to eat what I want, I'll just go get 4 more and eat those too.

Fuck everyone.

Anyway, it started off as a little binge. 200 calories maybe. Then added a little more and a little more. Once I hit exactly 1,000 calories for my daily total, I said "Screw it" and decided to try and get to 2,000 (a feat I haven't done in I don't even know when). Everything I ate was "healthy" and "Vegan" but I have NEVER been so sick in my life at 1,925cals.

Headache.

Nausea.

It was fucking horrible, and I'm like "How do people eat this much in one day!?"

No gain today, thank God. I hate myself for doing it, but at least it strengthened my resolve to stick to my meal plans I've set out... plus all the amazing Vegan cookies are gone, so that's one temptation gone.

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Hope you girls are doing better than I am. Set a new goal on the Wii Fit to be at 115 by the end of this month. If I can stop being a fatass pig about everything it should be easy to do. 9 pounds to lose.

Can she do it? Tune in next time.

Back at Uni

Wow, one day of not reading/composing blogs makes me feel totally isolated and out of the loop!

So I'm back at Uni and I've had a productive day. Written 12 pages of my thesis in about the past 3 hours so I'm super excited to keep this motivation train choo-chooing along. Also lost .9 pounds since yesterday, which was awesome since I had to ask the BF to hide the Vegan cookies I bought at Whole Foods after I ate like 6 (ugh, 240 cals!). Today I've had an apple (80) with some cinnamon and nutmeg and my plans for tonight are a veggie corn dog (150) with 1/2 teaspoon of vegan garlic aioli and mustard.

Total - 260cal. Getting back on track.

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So, word of caution. I'm going to sound like a crazy paranoid person. But I'm not.

Don't Trust Anyone.

You'll think there's that one person who understands and won't judge you even though you are flawed and have this fucked up body image, and relationship with everything on your plate. It starts out just telling them little things that aren't major but you can't tell anyone else. You start to get comfortable.

Unless you're talking to a fellow ED, don't talk to them about it. Just don't.

They start out as supportive, understanding, and non-judgemental. But that gets old fast. They get tired of you fasting, and not eating, and counting calories, and pinching pieces of fat on your body. They get tired of you and your ED.

This was sparked by a confrontation with my BF. I live with him at uni so it's hard to hide a lot of these things from him, and because he's seen me through 2 hospitalizations, 3 therapists, and numerous break-ups with my Psych (I think I'm going to break up with him again!)... I thought I could tell him little things, never things that would worry anyone, but you know "Oh, I'm fasting. It's supposed to help you detox and help sluggish digestive systems" or "No, today's a low cal day, we can have that for dinner tomorrow."

Bam. Two days ago he unloads on me about how he doesn't want either of us to talk about food, how he should be able to eat wherever he wants (since I asked him not to eat in the bedroom, esp. when I'm fasting), that I need to stop obsessing about everything, and that if I can't deal with all of these things, I can just go somewhere else.

So of course I freak out, think that I can't go back to my apartment, and that the one person I thought wasn't judging me has been holding this grudge.

To sum up: Dear Readers, don't think you can trust anyone with your secret. It will only end in pain in the long run, and you feeling even more vulnerable. We've kind of worked things out to an extent, but my lips are sealed. And now I'll have to leave out food so he thinks I've eaten, and start lying to him like I have to lie to everyone else. I started wearing a dragonfly necklace (mostly coincidental as I found it in my room and thought it would match) and he gives me these searching looks and "tut tuts"... damn him majoring in psychology.

A word of caution. Don't trust anyone.