Monday, July 13, 2009

Calculated

I'm stressed out today. Decided to plan out a "binge" after 48 hours without anything but water.

But my heart really wasn't in it. And it really didn't feel like binging when I felt full after my first quesadilla and I didn't want to eat the veggie burrito but was informed by an outside party I was being wasteful if I didn't eat it.

Haribo peaches and "Urban Detox" drink.

1400 calories. Over a few hours. (side note: my weight keeps going up and down. I don't know what to make of it, except beg someone to hide the scale).

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Food doesn't make me feel alive anymore. The whole thing was forced and gross. I have a tummy ache and I didn't even eat much. My teeth hurt. I'm not even lying to my mother when I tell her all these adverse affects that happen to me when I eat.

Things that used to look good just... don't.

I would say it sounds like I'm depressed. But I feel like I'm very intimately acquainted with that emotion, that illness. What is this?

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I'm. Not. Hungry.

But I'm always starving.

6 comments:

Pasco said...

Ooooh that is a little weird. But it is never as good if you're actually allowed it. Poor dear. Maybe you just don't need food at all anymore?

At the moment I'm hungry AND starving. And craving. Pretty craptacular. But I'm determined to be good until the weekend. DETERMINED. Making it caps makes it real :)

belle svelte said...

omgod what a word pasco! craptacular. i might have to steal it. thanks =)

anyway.

deary, i'm sorry. well the good thing is you have no inkling to eat...and things lose interest. thats good for the anti-binging party.

yea, I didn't have my heart into the fasting thing either. i know what you mean...when things like that happen, search for a quick but acceptable alternative. sigh...

our lives.

anyway, yea bourdain's comparison to house just came out of the blue and it's soo...true? right? comparing bourdain to food network cast is like comparing house to grey's anatomy. honestly, i'm tired of cookie cutter cuties...i want something real. that's house. that's bourdain. and that's why I love them both.

i have this strange affinity toward older men.

sigh.

bSve

joann said...

I hope that you'll get better, just a little bit and leave this feeling of being completely numb behind...

beginner said...

Feel like you're in a movie. Write a story, with a character alternating to you. You already have a blog to express yourself. Maybe a pet, even a plant could help you sooth your mind, or perhaps yoga?

nadja said...

<3<3<3

Anonymous said...

Yikes.

 
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