Saturday, July 18, 2009

Frightful Jelly

Quick post, because I'm applying for my Student Visa and I haven't properly read and commented on blogs yet which makes me feel selfish for updating.


The kitten returned to the house, and I went with my friend to get her fixed and now she's recovering. Hopefully I'll be able to keep her. We'll see. She's frightfully thin.

In my world, I'm at about 112. Everyone in my life thinks I'm getting frightfully thin as well. I'm just worried about losing my muscle definition. I can't afford a gym membership (all my money is going down the drain towards stupid things, and I just spent $80 on getting the kitten fixed and vaccinated) so I'm hoping at least to save up for some free weights because my arms feel like jelly... but I'm paranoid, so maybe they aren't. I place my happiness on my arm muscles I think.

I seem to be around people during meal times too often, and they get upset if I refuse food, so I've been trying not to weigh unless I feel like it's a good scale day. There's really no escape as I can't stop visiting my friend since she's got the kitten recovering at her place, and I can't stay at home because my mother gets upset when I "forget" to eat too often during the course of the day.

I'm feeling stretched too thin.

It's not like I want to live this way. I still feel ugly, and I look at myself in the mirror and feel hideous. Maybe even uglier than before. If my arms are resting against my torso, I feel as though they are huge, like I haven't lost any weight at all. And I glance at my face and I just look tired.

Yesterday someone told me to smile more. This of course made me want to kick him in the teeth and ask him to try and smile after that kind of blow, but I simply raised my head and said "Oh sorry, I'm just pensive." I hate people. My mother asked me if I'm happy living this way. I don't know. Do I know any other way to live?


I suppose I don't really know how to gauge my happiness. Looking back, I point to days of "happy" when I have gotten dressed and dolled up (with hair and make-up) and felt thin, and beautiful, and on top of the world. Really superior. Walking along, thinking about how everyone around me is so dumpy and fat and homely looking, not even caring about themselves, probably going home to their dumpy lives, while I'm going to do some fun and fabulous thing.

But was I really happy that day? Or was I just manic?

What is happiness? And what do I have to smile about, other than the obvious?


Pasco said...

I am a gelatinous smoodge. I'm pretty sure every muscle I ever created when I used to exercise has been eaten away by now. Not that I had much anyway. I'm just skin and bones and fat. My sister, who has never worked out in her life, is quite firm and hard bodied. It doesn't make sense.

I don't mind it, but as the the ratio of skin&bones to fat changes, people notice more. Bony and scrawny but not ACTUALLY thin.

When can we possibly be happy? I know my BMI is edging down further and further below healthy. My weight is lower than I ever used to dream it could be. I'm only a few kilos heavier than my anorexic friend who I've always thought looked unattractively thin. But when I stand in the shower and look down, there are still my huge lumpy thighs and swollen saggy belly. How can I ever be happy when I hate it so much! You get a unique view of your body looking down from above.

Flushed said...

SO ANNOYING when people say to smile more! Makes me want to scowl and say some Not Nice thing back to them. So. Annoying.

what if summer... said...

Being told to smile more is one of my biggest pet peeves. Especially when a complete stranger tells me. Gah!

PrettyWreck said...

Happiness is one of the ephemeral things. It's like love - you don't know it until you've had it. If you can't answer with conviction and without pause, then you may have never felt it.

As philosophical as it sounds, I try to think back to simpler times for myself when I was happy. My childhood was not the best, and I don't recall a time then I was honestly happy.
The first time for me was the first time I was in love.

There was a girl - my best friend - and we were obsessed with Sailor Moon. I was Haruka, and she was Michiru. We were in sixth grade...maybe 11? 12? And we would hand back and forth these notes...talking about "Ruka and Michi" moments, where we really felt like we wanted the other.
And she came to my house to spend the night one day, after our drama class. She had just helped me move in my parents old bed (a GIANT queen sized monstrosity that was really squishy and fun to bounce on) and she asked me to leave her alone for about thirty minutes. And I went into the living room to watch TV...
She called me back in, and thrust this note into my hands. And I remember it was so simple, and I still have it, and it said, "My Michi moments never stop.
I love you."

And I realized I loved her, too. I wasn't even a teenager. Had probably just hit puberty. And it was my first real kiss, and the first time I slept curled up with the perfect girl in my arms. When I think of happiness, pure and unadulterated, I think of the way her hair smelt, and how she looked smiling at me. How much fun it was to rough house with her, or how innocent and...pure that first love was.

Sometimes you have to look back to so far before now. Before this filled your head. Before these terrible things took your mind over. To a time when yes, things may have been terrible...but to when there was still that innocence and optimism in the world that made emotions less complicated and better able to be understood.

I'm sure you've been happy.
I know you've been happy.
It's not that you don't know what it is, or have forgotten how to feel it, you've just forgotten what it means. You've grown up, and you've forgotten what it is to dream without thoughts of your weight, or worries of your mother or the future or what happens next. Age has given us experience but killed the simple things in us.
Remember who you were before, and what it meant to you then, and then try to gauge it off of that - off of memories of your first fort built out of sheets, or mud pies and laughter and friends and that first kiss from someone who made your palms sweat. And just remember the way that felt, and you'll be able to pick it out of your emotions the next time it happens. And you'll see that you do feel it.
It's just tangled in with all the complications that being an "adult" brings.

I'm sorry. I just wrote you a comment as long as your own blog entry.
I hope that makes sense. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. And some of the best exercises you can do for your arms you don't need weights for. Or a gym. And you can do them in small spurts, like before the shower, or when you're bored. If you ever want help, I'll try to find links to some information, or can tell you a few of them. It's part of what I'm training for ♥

Good luck. Don't let this ruin your day or your mood.

Meggy said...

if you feel that youre too thin, it would be wise to gain 2 more pounds. as horrible as it would be smart.


Anonymous said...

Apparently that was my thing at my last job - "You need to smile more!" Like, what are you supposed to say that? NO ONE smiles 24 hours a day! Say something funny and maybe I'll think about smiling...Directing me to do it is not going to make me change my mind.

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