shit shit shit.
Why did I buy a scale? It was fine until I see a sudden huge scary spike this morning.
snap snap snap.
Time to start popping pills out of their metallic and plastic enclosures...
Hello eating disorder! I've allowed you to take a backseat to my nasty eating habits, but now I need you join me again to fight the terrible beast weighing me down on the scale.
---
Must go about this slowly, otherwise I'll have set myself up for failure and a bad binge. Tonight I'll finish or throw away all the gross shit I have in my kitchen and tomorrow it's grocery shopping.
I'm writing out my list just so I have to stick to it:
bananas
clementines
porridge
carrots
mustard
tea
squash
I'm also back to "The Anti-Brown" diet. Porridge and tea aren't brown because I say so. Eventually though, porridge will be out as well. I'll be doing my version of 2-4-6-8, which is going to be 1-3-5-1. Tomorrow we start at 3.
OK. Doable. I'll ease myself back into fasting, one day at a time. Write down everything that enters my mouth. Grr, where did I put my notebook!?!
................... found it!
I'm going to try something I like to call: "Plan everything out the day before and don't even dare to falter from the plan." Sounds good. I can even schedule in homework (that I don't ever do, but I must if it's on the plan lol!) and chores.
OMG I'm so excited. I love being organized.
---
It will take a little bit of time to start counting calories before they enter my mouth, not accidentally pick something up and eat it, or be basically neurotic about everything, but it's better than eating until I feel sick and then feeling guilty and promising that tomorrow is another day.
I know it's pretty stupid to talk myself back into starving after I've been working really hard to eat, and more importantly eat without freaking out... but it doesn't seem like the later really happened. I just ate, ate more, felt guilty and sick, waited for that to subside, and ate more.
...I hate that food controls me even when I'm controlling it.
Friday, December 11, 2009
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6 comments:
good luck - don't be too neurotic :)
You have the upper hand to the ED, your mind is stronger than it's influence.
Good Luck!
I like that you always put your own spin on these crazy little diets ;)
XO
Do these with me this sunday? xx
http://lecool.com/cities/london/newsletters/current.html#event18211
"Porridge and tea aren't brown because I say so." you are too cute...thanks for your comments, I needed them today <3
well! i will be in London from Fri Dec 18 through Mon Dec 21... funnily enough i am going to be staying with another one of our blogging friends, Little Dandelion Girl. (Wow I have to say that meeting people via blogger and then travelling halfway across the world to visit them is (will be) a very very strange experience, the kind of thing some damn fool kid does on CSI and then it's up to William Peterson and Marg Helgenberger to figure out why their body ended up in a ditch somewhere... BUT i am trying to pretend this is normal/safe/different? Yes?)
ANYWAY, will you be around? available? a mini IE reunion in the heart of London? we can practically have a blogging ED convention, whatsay?
"Porridge and tea aren't brown because i say so." Lol. that line made me smile. Stay strong, hunny. I know you can get to where you want to be.
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