Friday, September 18, 2009

Amnesia

Can you describe what it's like to break your arm? Falling down a flight of stairs? Which is worse: slamming your hand in a door, or stubbing your toe on a piece of heavy furniture at full speed?

Our mind knows what pain is. But it forgets the intensity of pain. I can't really describe to you what my last tattoo was like or accurately compare it to spraining my ankle when I was 13. The brain quietly helps us forget these things. Quite lovely. Helps us heal. Keeps us going outside the door without worrying that the sky may fall.

It also makes us forget how bad binges are.

I thought I've been binging. Today, in the back of my mind, a little voice whispered, "You stupid idiot, you've been so spoiled these past few months complaining about nothing. This is what real pain feels like..."

I remembered why I binge... to feel something other than sadness or worse, complete emptiness. Focus a rush of senses and emotion on something else for a few brief moments. Believe I'm alive. Grieve over, and regret my mistake for the rest of the day. Knowing, knowing I've fucked up and might as well keep going and fill the bottomless pit inside me until the clock strikes midnight, when I have to face reality again.

I hate to binge. But I can't believe it's been so long. I missed you.

---

Ranch dressing is brown. I had to twist a lot of logic, but there's oil in it. Oil is definitely brown. I haven't had that hateful food in as long as I can remember. It's banished. (This indicates I should only drink green tea... I'll mull that one over)

7 comments:

Ana's Girl said...

So true about the brain and binges. Stay strong, hunny. I know you can do it.

Kelly said...

so weird you binged too

tonight was a complete failure for me as well, but at least it felt familiar....almost normal...

Pasco said...

I have major bloat weight happening at the mo and it's making me want to binge. But I know it is all just flatulence-inducing space-consuming fat-less vegetable matter. Goota try and hole out.

And I wanted to add... fuck Tim Burton is pissing me off. What a major douche. How many times can you re-hash the same cast and the same gimmick and your same lame-o fucking wife and still call it art??

There, I said it. Everyone can just go hate me now.

Flushed said...

Yup, that's what bingeing is for me too. It's usually when I'm lonely...now I have all these lovely textbooks to busy my over active mind.

cutelittlefangs said...

There's just something in the air today, I swear. Sorry to hear that, some days one can't just let themselves be even okay. Hope tomorrow is better!

And for brown.. that would mean no coffee. That is unacceptable! Even though green tea is just as good.. why are all the bright-colored drinks the worst ones possible?

Lulu said...

TEA IS ORANGE. OR BEIGE.

and if that is not enough, then it gets to be an exception. Because tea is the BOMB. mmmk?

Apart from that, brown idea is the bomb. I appreciated its genius from afar this weekend-off, but i am embracing it with a vengeance starting today.

How is all the boring arrangements bullshizz coming along for london? I hope good. Your hair would look hawt there methinks.

xxxxxxx

Ophelia said...

likewise for being so absent!
I'm liking this brown idea...
And yeah, the rush from a binge, I know those feelings too well.
I hope things are going well, and you're all sorted for the move to London?!
love x x x

 
design by suckmylolly.com