Tactile

Goal: Complete everything on the list I've made without any breakdowns.
Mini Goal: Count how many times I get the urge to get on the scale, but don't do it.

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Does anyone else get freaked out about being touched sometimes? It's not like I shirk away from people or my boyfriend has to stay 3 feet away from me, but sometimes I have these moods where someone might reach over to grab their purse....

I'm sure she's going to pat my arm and I jerk away. Sometimes, it feels so sensitive it hurts. Like a sunburn.

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The other day, someone asked me about why I tattoo. Does it have to do with SI? Am I a masochist? I don't really have much insight into myself, though I suppose I understand the movement and positioning of my gears better than most people... so I stumble around trying to answer. It's complicated. We're all very complicated, like a finely wound timepiece.

But I think that like most of us engaging in self-destructive behavior whether it be si, bp, ana, aggression, or sleeping the days away... we're coping. Partially (I'm not going to be like your therapists and try to explain away your behaviors in one single swoop), we like to be stronger, and in control of our own pain, make ourselves losers before any teacher can fail us, and push someone away before he or she could ever decide to leave.

I like my tattoos because their beautiful. And like with most things in life, I think if it doesn't hurt, it's not worth doing. I don't want help moving those boxes, I don't want to diet the easy way, I don't want to sit in couples therapy and try to work things out with a stranger. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and break things in the aisles at Target because everything is too orderly and fake.

I want control. And I want everyone in the whole world to know that you can't hurt me. I already hurt myself. Don't feel sorry for me. Because I don't.