Tuesday, September 1, 2009


Goal: Complete everything on the list I've made without any breakdowns.
Mini Goal: Count how many times I get the urge to get on the scale, but don't do it.


Does anyone else get freaked out about being touched sometimes? It's not like I shirk away from people or my boyfriend has to stay 3 feet away from me, but sometimes I have these moods where someone might reach over to grab their purse....

I'm sure she's going to pat my arm and I jerk away. Sometimes, it feels so sensitive it hurts. Like a sunburn.


The other day, someone asked me about why I tattoo. Does it have to do with SI? Am I a masochist? I don't really have much insight into myself, though I suppose I understand the movement and positioning of my gears better than most people... so I stumble around trying to answer. It's complicated. We're all very complicated, like a finely wound timepiece.

But I think that like most of us engaging in self-destructive behavior whether it be si, bp, ana, aggression, or sleeping the days away... we're coping. Partially (I'm not going to be like your therapists and try to explain away your behaviors in one single swoop), we like to be stronger, and in control of our own pain, make ourselves losers before any teacher can fail us, and push someone away before he or she could ever decide to leave.

I like my tattoos because their beautiful. And like with most things in life, I think if it doesn't hurt, it's not worth doing. I don't want help moving those boxes, I don't want to diet the easy way, I don't want to sit in couples therapy and try to work things out with a stranger. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and break things in the aisles at Target because everything is too orderly and fake.

I want control. And I want everyone in the whole world to know that you can't hurt me. I already hurt myself. Don't feel sorry for me. Because I don't.


Anonymous said...

You just described the way I feel everyday inside. The difference is, I feel the need to control those feelings... I'm a perfectionist. I see the dishes in the sink that my family makes and I just want to break them all. Instead, I scrub them till my hands hurt. I like things that are difficult because if I do them, I feel like I'm better than those who don't. That sounds fucked up I guess and I'm kind've rambling. I just really liked this post.

Pasco said...

I don't feel sorry for you either. Because I know you're secretly actually AWESOME.

Anise said...

OBVIOUSLY i agree with Pasco! but also:

"we like to be stronger, and in control of our own pain, make ourselves losers before any teacher can fail us, and push someone away before he or she could ever decide to leave."

you nailed this EXACTLY. for me at least. like so exactly it's creepy. it's funny how most of us are way more in tune with what we're doing to ourselves and why than most people (aka shrinks) give us credit for.

nona said...

Goal 1: Eat only those foods that are on 'the plan.' If they aren't on the plan, they don't belong in my mouth.

Goal 2: Finish the *#$%ing disability application form for one of my students, even if it means finishing it after working hours.

Why my self destructive behaviour? I totally agree with the coping comment. I know it doesn't quite make sense, but I think I'd go mad if I *didn't* do it. It keeps me from flinging messily out of my skin and fragmenting into a million pieces.

Ana's Girl said...

Goal: come up with a new eating plan for myself, set up mini-goals within that, and figure out rewards for meeting those mini-goals. Complex, i know, but i love planning things out to the extreme.

Ah yes, you totally explained the reason for my self-injury and need for ana. You'd make a fantastic therapist. Lol. How many tattoos do you have? Where? What? Sorry for all the questions, i just LOVE tattoos. I plan on getting one someday... when i'm thin enough.

Sairs said...

I so love smashing plates when I'm really pissed off, lol! Though it does tend to startle those that are around you at the time. I remember I got the ugliest piggy bank from my brother for christmas one year, and I had the greatest pleasure in accidently dropping it... oops! He still doesn't know it was accidently on purpose :oP

throughraindrops said...

i cant stand my parents touching me, theres certain friends i love to always get cuddles from and strangely my boss lol but if some one patted my arm or back i would freak! i like completly stiffen up and dont respond


Aspartame Freak said...

beautiful post.

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