Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Untangling A Ball of Yarn

I had an epiphany... this was after I momentarily decided I was going to try really really hard to think about how my mental illness has been contributing to recent chaos in my life, and how I should try and "recover" or "get better."


I don't need to get better. I just need more structure. I need to brush out my matted tresses, put some mascara on, and face the world head on. It's time for a new plan. This, I also realize, is an escape from my fear that I can't actually get better (I can stop at any time I want to I swear!).

Got off an airplane, trying to feel over confident and a little full-of-myself--I kind of have to if I want to pull of this magenta a-line hair and aviator glasses thing I've got going on--threw my bags in the car and immediately feigned food poisoning. In my defense, I think something is up because I'm feeling that nauseating sick feeling and I'm not even starving... yet.

Arrived in the safe confines of my home, where I know tomorrow I'll wake up to many anxiety producing tasks and daunting circumstances that life is throwing my way to see if I'll break. Thought about eating healthy again, weighed in for the first time in almost a week (110), drank 8oz of cherry juice, decided I was a glutton and that was the end of it.

Dunno what the plan will fully consist of, but it's definitely *got* to be Vegan&Wheat free. I want to vary my daily intake again. I need to keep my mother off my back. I will to start counting calories (on paper, not in my head!) and write down everything that enters my mouth.

A little bit of intentional neuroses to help balance out the ball of chaos that is my life right now, yes? OH, I just realized how happy this makes me because I can start making lists again! *plotting*

All my affection as I get myself back on track!


ruby said...

my mother always swore that every girl looks better with a little lipstick. your post made me think of that! maybe, while organizing your life, you should swipe on some bright red lipstick? for extra confidence?


Ana's Girl said...

Haha. I feel the same way about recovery. It's the scariest thing in the world. I don't know if i could do it...
Stay strong! i know you can do it.

p.s. Lists rock!

Anonymous said...

It is scary! With an eating disorder, there is no way to get rid of it. One you have it, you always have it. It terrifies me, even if I ate like a normal person, in the back of my mind my ED would sit and taunt me. I figure, whatever you makes you happy. And I love the mascara thing! Mascara and under eye concealer are all I wear daily. I would skip the concealer, but being very aenemic, I look like death without it lol

throughraindrops said...

faking food poisning teehee i havent suffered from ibs since i cut out bread/pasta but to my family it makes pretty much a monthly occurence

magenta hair and aviators sounding awesome to me xx

Flushed said...

Totally taking "the bull by the horns"! I like it! I need to follow your example!


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