Friday, October 16, 2009

EDIT

Fuck me. I can't even take my own sappy post advice for 5 minutes.

You don't know hatred and longing until you live 1 door down from the communal kitchen with a bunch of international kids who love to over-spice everything in a room without a fume hood.

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Also, I've made a grocery list for tomorrow (to spend my last £20) and aside from the bag of apples and oranges I plan on getting, NOTHING on the list is healthy or respectable. There are 2 week old cucumbers in the fridge because I know I'd rather go hungry than eat them.

I'm just going to balloon back up to my high weight and start over. There's nothing admirable about loathing your body for being disproportionate, when fat or thin. I just want to gain weight to get something to put in my bra. Right now, I'm pretending like that's all that's going to happen (ignore the cottage cheese thighs, the stretch marks, the poochy tummy, the muffin top, the legs that make sizzle noises because the stockings are rubbing together...). No, somehow none of that will happen if I only gain 5 pounds because it will all go to the right place, I won't cringe at my sight, and suddenly I'll be gorgeous despite the fact I've already seen myself at that size and thought I could do better.

Basically to go against what I said before (rapid mood swings!), and not know which one I truly mean, life is futile. You are born, you get fatter, older, and inevitably kicked in the teeth... then you die. But in a kind of "life as adventure" kind of way, if you want to take a positive spin.

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Let's just do something mindless instead. Kay?

5 comments:

what if summer... said...

mindless it is. see you on facebook!

G. Samsa said...

You're probably right about the getting fatter, older, and kicked in the teeth, but I refuse to give in. Nothing admirable, just willful pigheadedness.

belle svelte said...

wow, we're both in the same city. wow, we both just traveled for God only knows how long to settle into what is a huge microcosm of the world that is London. wow. wow. wow.

food is expensive here, and i'm really trying my best. by trying my best, i mean not buying much from the grocery store and buying way too much from the myriad of coffee shops around here.

it would be not be weird/creep to meet you, but wouldn't it be fun to walk down the street thinking you saw me (and vice versa)...? hm, i guess my next question is...where do you live? as in closest train station. let's start there first, so that this doesn't become all stalkerish.

cheers babe.

Pasco said...

What has become of us friend? Do you and Lulu actually write letters, or are you an email pen pal?

We need some sort of reinvigoration.

x

Ophelia said...

Two of the most wonderful posts.
I'm not sure if I used the right adjective there, but I hope you get my drift.
Ah Savory, why is it we always want more, it's never right is it?
I don't know what else to say, you seem to have said it all, but I send you all my love as always,
Ophelia xx

 
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