Monday, October 26, 2009

Hansel and Gretel

"Sometimes I can really see how book-smart people aren't actually people-smart at all."
-- [Not Quite] Bella

If you aren't following this brilliant blogger, why the fuck not?

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[Not Quite]Bella's quote is referencing how she spouted off a bunch of bulimia facts whilst joking with her bloated, stuffed non-ED friends after eating and no one batted an eye. This is definitely a thread that is woven by many in their conversations with others, I've noticed.

"I'm going to drop you breadcrumbs... are you going to follow them?"

Why do we do this? I do it all the time. Let me think if I can remember the last time I did this. Oh. Easy. Last Thursday during a discussion seminar. We were talking about shopping.

This deserves a new paragraph. Our professor who prides himself on being important and an expert on the subject (not of being important) discussed the idea of shopping as something that is done out of love. You usually shop for other people. You pick out things with care and thoughtfulness in mind. What do your children like to eat? Would my husband wear this shirt? The nature of shopping is an act of love even if one does not enjoy doing it.

Here's where I come in. Have I ever gone to the grocery store since I became really ill and looked at a bag of carrots and thought "I would buy these because they are tasty." No. I think, "Fuck. I hate carrots by themselves. I can't get any dressing, that would make the carrots like worthless. I've gotta get the carrots and fuck I've gotta eat them in like 3 days. Just tell yourself they're low cal. They are healthy. Bullshit, it's not healthy when I'm just eating carrots. Fuck I'm fucked."

Pick up a cake. "Ah, here is a nice treat because I have done so well today! I deserve to reward myself."

Never ever.

"Shit. I accidentally walked by cakes. Don't lie. I did it on purpose. Look at the calories. How much would you *not* have to eat to be able to rationalize that? Where do you think your body will pack the butter and sugar onto first? My stomach or my thighs? God, just fucking pick up the cake and those cookies over there and go back over and get some hummus for the damn carrots because people are starting to stare. Just don't come back to the store with a credit card."

That is shopping with an eating disorder. Well, one experience. Shopping is hate.

So of course I open my big fat lip-glossed mouth and make a brief but potent mention of this. In hind-sight I should have said alcoholics or something, but nothing quite fits like ED. I even binge-clothes shop (completely different blog entry and shout out to Lulu, I binge shopped 2 days later!). Moderation is not our game. We are black and white.

No wonder we are scattering breadcrumbs, nay loaves of bread for our loved ones to see and put pieces together. We wonder if anyone will catch us at our game, as we let our guard down for one bit because being clever and secretive is so tiring, and the nature of our constant participation in this act of perpetuating hatred... cannot forever continue, can it?

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I think a good word for people who are really sucked into the ED world, stuck amidst this spectrum between love and hate is simple:

Devotion.

Our world is about commitment. It is about something bigger than ourselves. Fervor, sacrifice, and oftentimes physical violence is involved. It's all very religious in nature. But that's for another day. Another time.

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Sprinkle your breadcrumbs, playing the game of getting caught.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love your post--

It completely describes everything that we (I've been diagnosed with ED-nos since I was 12) with ED go through--

I love your wit, I love your voice;
Fantastic post!

Flushed said...

I agree w/anonymous.

Books...Gretel...breadcrumbs....

I'm now following {not quite} Bella now. I don't know why I wasn't before but rest assured I'm now "in the know." =)


OX

Lulu said...

haha. would you believe, that night, my friend turned up to the pub in the same jumper as me, and the next day the girl next to me at the bar was wearing the backless dress. if thats not a sign that binge shopping in topshop is gonna come back and bite you in the ass, then i dont know what is!

i think most of the time, the crumbs we think are so large are actually barely visible to the naked, non-disordered eye. you think it about others because you recognise it in yourself.
None of my friends ever thought about the fact that someone who comes back from the toilets with their hair freshly pulled back was being sick. until i pointed it out. But still noone thought to ask why i knew.

then again, even if people are following your crumb trail, do you think they'd have the courage to pick them up for you anyway? xx

Anise said...

hear, hear!!

this type of post is why i love you.

i cannot for the life of me figure out how my friends, who have seen me lose 20 lbs since April and watch me eat stunning amounts of food in their presence and then go home immediately after, still totally buy the weak argument that going off birth control a year ago made me lose all the weight and "get back to my natural form". HA.

i think we are spreading breadcrumbs because we are desperate to be helped but at the same time desperate to not be discovered. it's a maddening game. and so much horrific fun.

xox x

Ophelia said...

It's odd how we always need to leave breadcrumbs isn't it... I've never really understood... I think for me a big part is just to prove how much people don't really believe in eating disorders... I don't know...



And don't worry I know how hard it is to keep up with blogs when you're so busy, I'm exactly the same at the moment.
Ah Savory I always imagine I'm going to bump into you on Oxford Street or coming out of the tube, I don't know why I know it's silly. But it is incredibly comforting to know that I'm not REALLY alone in this city.

My email is sugary_eyes@hotmail.com
do email me, I've love that!

love Ophelia x x x

SophiaRuins said...

omg i totally relate to this post.

ive noticed that with everything i do, its all or nothing.
when i binge, i have to binge THE most, consume THE most amount of calories, and make it a bigger binge than ever.

when i fast, i have to have 0 calories on my plate or else it isnt a fast.

ive noticed i do this a lot with everything.
like if i write, it has to be an entire book or its failure and if i paint, it better be a mural or else it isnt worth it.




XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

Anonymous said...

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