Hansel and Gretel

"Sometimes I can really see how book-smart people aren't actually people-smart at all."
-- [Not Quite] Bella

If you aren't following this brilliant blogger, why the fuck not?

---

[Not Quite]Bella's quote is referencing how she spouted off a bunch of bulimia facts whilst joking with her bloated, stuffed non-ED friends after eating and no one batted an eye. This is definitely a thread that is woven by many in their conversations with others, I've noticed.

"I'm going to drop you breadcrumbs... are you going to follow them?"

Why do we do this? I do it all the time. Let me think if I can remember the last time I did this. Oh. Easy. Last Thursday during a discussion seminar. We were talking about shopping.

This deserves a new paragraph. Our professor who prides himself on being important and an expert on the subject (not of being important) discussed the idea of shopping as something that is done out of love. You usually shop for other people. You pick out things with care and thoughtfulness in mind. What do your children like to eat? Would my husband wear this shirt? The nature of shopping is an act of love even if one does not enjoy doing it.

Here's where I come in. Have I ever gone to the grocery store since I became really ill and looked at a bag of carrots and thought "I would buy these because they are tasty." No. I think, "Fuck. I hate carrots by themselves. I can't get any dressing, that would make the carrots like worthless. I've gotta get the carrots and fuck I've gotta eat them in like 3 days. Just tell yourself they're low cal. They are healthy. Bullshit, it's not healthy when I'm just eating carrots. Fuck I'm fucked."

Pick up a cake. "Ah, here is a nice treat because I have done so well today! I deserve to reward myself."

Never ever.

"Shit. I accidentally walked by cakes. Don't lie. I did it on purpose. Look at the calories. How much would you *not* have to eat to be able to rationalize that? Where do you think your body will pack the butter and sugar onto first? My stomach or my thighs? God, just fucking pick up the cake and those cookies over there and go back over and get some hummus for the damn carrots because people are starting to stare. Just don't come back to the store with a credit card."

That is shopping with an eating disorder. Well, one experience. Shopping is hate.

So of course I open my big fat lip-glossed mouth and make a brief but potent mention of this. In hind-sight I should have said alcoholics or something, but nothing quite fits like ED. I even binge-clothes shop (completely different blog entry and shout out to Lulu, I binge shopped 2 days later!). Moderation is not our game. We are black and white.

No wonder we are scattering breadcrumbs, nay loaves of bread for our loved ones to see and put pieces together. We wonder if anyone will catch us at our game, as we let our guard down for one bit because being clever and secretive is so tiring, and the nature of our constant participation in this act of perpetuating hatred... cannot forever continue, can it?

---

I think a good word for people who are really sucked into the ED world, stuck amidst this spectrum between love and hate is simple:

Devotion.

Our world is about commitment. It is about something bigger than ourselves. Fervor, sacrifice, and oftentimes physical violence is involved. It's all very religious in nature. But that's for another day. Another time.

---

Sprinkle your breadcrumbs, playing the game of getting caught.