Monday, August 3, 2009

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here

Here I am, sneaking on my blog since I no longer have any privacy...

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After commenting on some posts, I realized my "reader" thingy was quite sparse and I was getting the same bloggers updating.

I then had to do something that I've been avoiding. Clean out my blog following manager.

A lot of girls, who were my foundation when I started, stopped blogging suddenly over the past 2-3 months... some of them I think maybe started eating normally (yay), some perhaps just became tired of blogging and quit, and then there were one or two that lingered in my mind.

I was worried about those ones.

I've had a hard time *un-following* some people. Well, most people. I like to think that one day, everyone will pop back up after 4 months and have a lovely blog explaining their haitus, and my blogging community routine will be back to normal. But I especially hate to un-follow those few girls that just dissapear when they were the ones you were already anxious about.

So... it's been emotional.

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This has led me to thinking about another thing I've been pushing to the back of my mind. How healthy is my blogging? I've always been a hardcore advocate for "pro ana" sites etc etc (though I'm not particularly fond of the term) and I still am, but is it good for me? I always thought it was, or at least harmless.

But sometimes I almost consciously think to myself, "I can't recover, because if I recover, then I can't blog, and I care so much about my girls and readers..."

The other week, I was feeling particularly suicidal. I asked TR to do something very important for me, the only important thing I would ever ask him to do. He wearily agreed and I told him that if I were to die, I would make arrangements for him to access my blog so he could write a blog post for me, because I don't want anyone to keep me on their readers list, hoping I might return someday.

JESUS CHRIST I AM FUCKED UP.

If you all stop following me now, I completely understand. But, I suppose, in a way, this whole pro-ana thing is just as addictive and insidious as my resistance to food and gaining weight. There's no support for me in a cruel world where mothers, friends, and companions say things ranging from "You could stand to gain a few pounds" to "It looks like your body is eating all your muscles because you're running out of fat... you look sallow and withered." Of course we would want to turn to a world of non-judgemental, anonymous, virtual friends who support us but sadly cannot be there for us, and therefore we never have to feel abandoned or let down by them.

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Truly, at this point in time, I don't know how to live moderately. A good day for me... is spreading my fingers wide apart to see how concave the skin beneath the tendon attached to my thumb is (seriously, that's one of my fat markers). A good day for me... is checking my secret gmail and finding new comments from people that I wish I knew in real life, though who knows if we would actually get along in any other setting. A good day for me... is thoughts running in my mind all day, planning, calculating, finding an escape route.

A good day for me is getting through the day.

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You all really do keep me going, almost all the time, and I'm so glad to have each of you in my alternate reality.

Time to stop mourning the the end of my core community, and start re-building a new one.

11 comments:

Sarah. said...

i know! i feel the same way - i miss our old community - i grew so attached to certain girls, miss them dearly.. we're slowly getting a new group together though..
please never stop blogging, you're one of the very few originals that i have left!
<3
xxx

PrettyWreck said...

I've noticed a lot of people I adored, who I depended on when I started, have suddenly...gone quiet. I've gone quiet myself a lot, because there's so much I'm struggling with in real life, but I hope it's the same for them. Sometimes it's a passing fad, and other times people just get...tired...and need a break.

This blog gives you something to live for. People on here know. Not the you that your family sees. They know YOU. They know the wounds, and the scars, and the UGLINESS that you think you have - these fucked up thoughts like "If I die, blog for me", and the things you do that you think are wrong and yet you love it anyway. Things that nobody else in your "real life" would understand.

And yet the people here accept you, and consider it beautiful. To me, you're almost like a superstar of the blogging community, as weird as that sounds. The first time I saw your blog, I was sorta blown away, I guess. Not sure why, but you seemed almost surreal. Like one of those people I wished I could be. You write well, you talk like you're cultured, and you express things in such a beautiful and - yes - fucked up way, and I adore it.

You've found a niche. You've found a place where you can be as broken as you want and people will want nothing more than to dip their pens into the inkwell of your personality and draw skeletons in honor of your shattered beauty. We strive for perfection, yet hunger for a place that sees through it and to our flaws, and can appreciate the breathless wonder of scars.

I hope that makes sense.

You could recover and still blog. You'd have to start up a recovery one or something, I think...there is a following for it. I remember seeing it when I did my paper on anorexia XD

Also, I approve of pro ana websites. That's where I learned of most of the dangers, and a lot of the tricks of how to...not fuck yourself up bad. I think it gives people a deeper understanding of stuff, and gives some people the tools and understanding so that they don't hurt themselves as much as they otherwise would while going at it alone, if that makes sense.

It's like sex ed. Kids are going to have sex whether or not you tell them about intercourse, but at least if you give them access to the real information, they'll know how to not get the clap. Or something.
Wow, that's a weird comparison XD!

Savii said...

when i first discovered this wonderfully supportive and encouragin community i instantly became obsessed with reading everyones blogs, watchin their progressing and admiring their determination to reach their goal. your blog was one of my first and as you say, much of the older bloggers have slowly faded off. I miss them all dearly but hope they are all have safe reasons to their absense.

As the above have said, you writing in much loved and no matter what course you choose you will always be followed :)

throughraindrops said...

i cannot bring myself to unfollow people just incase they pop back up
n meh maybe pro ana couldnt exactly be called good for you but i dont thing it does harm because its not like it can accidentally be stumbled upon like the media will have us believe

The Prince of Wince said...

People are afraid to merge on freeways in Los Angeles.

Aspartame Freak said...

"A good day for me is getting through the day"

There's this poem, that Im not quite sure I can translate, but it talks about him being grateful for getting through the day, through the night, and through himself.


And, well, heavy metal is always encouraging :D

Flushed said...

I'm fairly new (a couple months) to the community and have found incredible comfort here. Finally, a place where I can be real and there are non-judgey, understanding people-the support is priceless. And I fear them fading out or disappearing from the community. It's amazing how attached you can become to people whom you've never even seen face to face.

So don't go anywhere. Kay?

XO
Flushed

Tree said...

dude...i thought i was the only one that did that with my hand/fingers.. >.<

Lulu said...

baby i'm sorry i've been absent. i dont know what happened, i just totally lost my mojo for a bit there... the longer you stay away the harder it is to get back on the horse. I promise there will be a big catch up post just as soon as i can find the energy to try and remember the last two weeks in an edited form. i hope i wasnt one who you have unfollowed... i recently had to get rid of all my reader clutter and i think as more of my 'original crew' fell by the wayside i felt less and less motivated. but i am still here, i do still care, way to go on the 2 pounds and still cant wait to hear about why/when you are coming/going to london. love xxx

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