Monday, August 17, 2009

Before and After

I'm going to show you the real me. As awful and ugly as it is.

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There isn't a more perfect, more attractive me under all the flesh and fat and muscle I have painstakingly evicted from my being. Underneath is just a hollow, weaker, maybe even faker person than I was before.

Most of my life has been a performance, tweaking my act to suit whatever audience I encounter. Perhaps, I wanted everyone, every group, every fractured part of me, to know and physically understand how little I've been consuming emotionally for 23 years.

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I was 20 years old. 156 pounds, and going without make-up for the first time since the seventh grade. I've never weighed this much in my entire life, and I feel fat, but at this point I don't have time to care much about it. That summer, I was on my first big adventure away from home, doing glorified physical labor 8-5 every day. Was I happy? Probably not. I was off meds at the time, but I would go back on them soon afterwards. Maybe I was happy though... as this is one moment where I actually let my arm rest against my side for a picture, even though it made everything spread apart into the worst and most unattractive kind of mush.

I am standing a bit askew. Props for that cowgirl.






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Yes I know, you've seen this one before, but I shy away from the camera and haven't found a more recent one. For those of you who missed it. 113(ish?) lbs. 3 weeks ago. I was rather excited to see a legendary Japanese sweetheart who I cut out of this photo because it upstages me. Compare to above photograph.














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I mentioned I'd been away from the scale, and moving stuff out of storage. I refused to let anyone help me. Not that there was really anyone to do it. Here's the end result of my legs. I think they're quite bruised (sorry for the shitty iChat photos, my Nikon USB is lost!) but if you've got better ones, I sympathize as these are a bit painful to the touch. But I'm proud of my bruises as they are physical calories burned. Here are also some shots of my tattoos. Judge or don't. I've never shown you my body. Of course, I've still gotten away with not giving you a standing pose. That will have to wait until the puffiness goes down. Weighed again (I know, I can't stay away)... back to 110. Ah, well, not everything is magical. I ate fast food and chain restaurants so what can I expect.

Happy picture viewing, they won't be up for long. Remind me to tell you sordid details about terrible things and drug and alcohol related events. Loving you with all my fractured pieces!







22 comments:

Dancing in the Shadows said...

“There isn't a more perfect, more attractive me under all the flesh and fat and muscle I have painstakingly evicted from my being. Underneath is just a hollow, weaker, maybe even faker person than I was before. Most of my life has been a performance, tweaking my act to suit whatever audience I encounter.” This post really speaks to me… I feel like my entire life has been a performance and when I sit back and reflect on it, it really disturbs me. I wish I could be satisfied with my life, and feel invigorated by the experiences I have. But then I look at myself and feel such a complete dissatisfaction and shy away from everything.

Savory, those bruises look so painful! But they’re further evidence of your strong will. You are such an inspiration for me~ And your body is beautiful. Wow.

Sophie said...

Ouch, those look horrible!! But you are beautiful, my dear and so thin... I'd kill to look like you. What does the tattoo on your back mean? I love it... I love your pictures.

Oh. I wish I looked like you! I am (currently) 110... but I am 5ft4 :( To look like you, I would have to be about... what? 95 or something? sigh. :P

You're awesome-- you inspire me. And you are beautiful :)

Kay said...

Oh my god, I wish I were as thin as you. I'm currently around 106, but I'm barely 5'1"! :(

Btw, I'm Kay; I've been following you for a while (how creepy does that sound?) but haven't commented before.

Also, I love your tattoos :)

Jess said...

Great before and afters. Those bruises look painful. I bruise like a peach myself...always have bruises and no explanation as to how they got there.

PeriAdot said...

I LOVE your tatts!!! How long ago did you get them done? They are looking really good.
Those bruises. . . OUCH!!! Just ouch. They look so painful. . .
Wow you've lost a lot of weight! I'm sooo jealoous! ^.^

Celia said...

You're so beautiful! And brave for putting those up too, you've lost such a lot of weight, you are tiny now! The bruises look painful though, hope everything is ok.

PrettyWreck said...

God you write so beautifully. You write these things and I'm always left in this sort of awe.

Physical labor can make many people happy. I have a friend who was part of the reconstruction of New Orleans, and she will tell you that there, under that humid summer sun, prying apart destroyed homes and trying to scrub mold and grime from the inside of a school to make it safe again...she was the happiest. There's an honesty to physical exertion.

I think you look beautiful in both posts, and that shot of you crouching down, with your knees up, and your collarbone showing, is absolutely breathtaking. ♥

lizzy said...

wow and ouch!! the difference is amazing, u look like a different person. how long did it take too lose the weight and what is the eaction of ur family and freinds? im really curious to know
oh and i llooooove ur legs!

Flushed said...

My, my looking good! Ummm...minus the bruises, they look very painful :( (I'm a pain wimp) But you look thin and pretty and I like your tattoos.

XO

Sarah. said...

Aw darling those bruises dont look too good.. But look at your bod!! You're so so small, you're absolutely wonderful, perfect thinspo.
Look how far you've come! Im so proud of you.
Absolutely loving the tatts aswell.

You're gorgeous :)
xxxx

Lulu said...

NOT AWFUL.
NOT UGLY.

What a transformation! we have similar starting weights it seems... i hope i get down as far as you have in your comic con picture - so petite!

lovely to put a name to a face, i cant even remember what this post said to respond because i was too busy cooing but LOVING IT ANYWAY.

loads of love xxxx

Lulu said...

(i forgot to say... nice leg gap schweetie! living the dream...)x

Maria said...

I love everything about your body, especially those legs of yours! You are SO thin and so beautiful. I can imagine that those bruises are pretty painful, but they look sort of cool in these photos. And your tattoos are gorgeous, I love tattoos that look like paintings.

xx

Ana's Girl said...

You're so thin and beautiful! I'm jealous. Your legs look lovely even with those bruises. And the tattoos make me even more jealous. Stay strong!

Tri Thin said...

beautiful, even with the bruises

I love the tattoos! I've been dreaming about getting more, but not until I'm thinner.

Meggy said...

wow, youre much thinner than what i wouldve thought! and i loove the tattoos. but how did you get those bruises, sweetie?

youre a beautiful girl, at 156 or at 110. remember that.

xx much love

throughraindrops said...

beautiful tattoos :)
i love tattoos dont know if ill ever be brave enoguh to ghet any

x

zipped.lipped said...

Omigosh, even through your bruises, you have the cutest legs and thighs. I am jealous. :-)

Skinny Lady said...

Fabulous, even with the bruises!

Lost said...

love your tatts!
im so jealous of your legs. i swear everything else is getting smaller but my thighs are the same!
perfect thinspo xx

Dot said...

Wow! You look so amazing! :D You really are inspiring with how much you've lost <3
Ouch! Those look really painful : ( I hope they heal soon....<3

obsessed_ana said...

Your such a trooper good job getting everything out of storage. Where your bruises like a badge of honor lol. I'm pretty much the exact weight you were in your first picture. I'm 150...was 195. Suck at motivation I've been stuck at this weight for like 2 months now. Anyway good job!

 
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