Wednesday, August 26, 2009

God is a Painter

Recently I've been learning new things. Things that should have been painfully obvious to me before.

Like just the other morning, I realized that if I don't just whisk my mascara brush on my lashes, but rather put the brush and twirl until it intwines, it curls and separates... I'm sure everyone else knows this.

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After a huge brawl with Paula D. I realized a new method of SI (I know I know, it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it does)...

It made me realize that what I've been doing all these years has been much more work, much more destructive, much more painful. We got to the point that TR had to throw everything in our house away, and we were eating with plastic utensils on paper plates. He was annoyed, but he liked that he didn't have to do dishes anymore.

I looked at myself in the mirror, admiring my handiwork. Quick and effortless release. My pale white ribcage surrounded the pinkish inflamed skin, and I couldn't help but think that I had just purchased a fitted sheet that was the exact shame mulberry red as the now ubiquitous blood. It was almost beautiful, like a perfect set of paint samples.

If there is a God, he is most certainly a painter. A fractured soul, like me. It almost makes me at peace to think that an omnipotent being might be a tortured artist.

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After the healing, I realized the ritual wasn't complete. I hadn't experienced the guilt that accompanied the usual work, destruction, and pain. This was too easy. It would heal too fast. It might not scar. I might not remember.

10 comments:

Pasco said...

Good heavens Savory
Are you feeling better now?
x

Pasco said...

Oh! And I too am a retard who has only recently discovered how to properly apply mascara.

Lost and Learning said...

my sister told me to "blink" on my mascara by holding the brush up to my lashes and then just blink-blink so they wouldn't clump. It works.. but it doesnt curl. Hello eyelash curler!

PeriAdot said...

Oooh you mascara genius!

I hope you're felling better.
Silly question but are you allright?

Snow White said...

I hope you're alright now and that you realize TR was just trying to help you. I'm in the same situation. and i haven't accepted that everyones just trying to help, but if you can thats great.

And my eyelashes always clump no matter what i do. I only survive by use of eyelash curlers haha =]

And i feel the same way about scarring/healing/remembering as you do. I've never heard anyone else who does. =]

Sairs said...

I really get the SI... I did it for so long for so many years and even though now my many scars have turned white, when it all really hurts, I want it again.

A few weeks ago A and I had a bad night and while in bed crying, all I wanted was to feel that release. If A hadn't told me when we first got together if I ever did 'do it' again, he would leave, I probably would've done it.

Hope you're feeling okay now!

Lyla Maria said...

Hope you found some relief after relapse.
Try warming an eyelash curler with a hairdryer for a moment before using mascara.Lamcome definicils is the best. Loreal is the Lamcome brand w/out fancy box. WARNING use a metal curler and test on the wrist before using !

See said...

haha I know about the mascara!
don't worry, I hope your okay :)

Ana's Girl said...

Haha. I do the exact same thing with my mascara. There simply is no other way for me to do it.

You're absolutely right: God IS a painter; there IS some kind of sick beauty in SI. And i always think i HAVE to scar or it wasn't injurious enough.... It's bad for you though... So don't do it! (Hypocrite, my brain screams at me.) But seriously, try not to do it.

Lulu said...

I hate to hear of the pain you must feel to express it like that. Do you know what pushed you to SI this time?

and i dont mean to sound like a shitty therapist, i just wanted to know if you know why?

i hope you are doing better today.
(and i have nooooooo idea what etsy is...)xx

 
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