Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Your Questions Answered

I wanted to take some time out to answer some questions I've gotten recently...

What If Summer...
I'm pretty sure I've read every single one of your blog posts... but a little voice in the back of my head chimes in as I read them, and it's asking a question that I don't think you've ever really answered in any of your posts. I keep reading them to see if maybe you will answer it eventually.

It just keeps asking "Why?"

Great question. I won't answer it. Not that I don't want to, and it's quite embarrassing to realize I haven't previously addressed this... but I guess I have to figure it out myself, since it's something I'm keeping from my psychiatrist and previous therapists. I'll get to it someday, I promise. There is a story, and I know part of the narrative, so I'll save that for its own post.

heebeejebus! (In regards to living amid Paula Deen and Ruby making her town famous for the *wrong* reasons)

Oh, I'm so sorry. I suppose it's girls like me who romanticize things like that... but my mother is not pleasant, so I imagine it's not fun to be surrounded by people who want to glorify two loud mouthed women who act like they are making an effort, but who are they kidding? I had something profound to say about this, but then my mind wandered to the fact that there's some kind of Rascal Flats dish at Denny's now (along with those crazy gross "Pancake Puppies" eek) and I always go into my horrible Ruby vernacular when I enter that place.

So, in short. You have my sympathy for the tourists. Come visit me in Southern California, where at least the obnoxious people are thinspiring!

Tree among others, has asked me to further expand about my upcoming London adventures.

So, I'm going to attend UCL for a 1-year masters starting end of September. I'll be living somewhere between Kings Cross Station and Angel Station and I'm pretty hugely excited and scared to death about it. I've visited the country a total of 2 times (once being a short weekend trip which was horrible because 36 hours was the plane ride to and from the States) and I know very little about British food, etiquette, BBC, etc etc.

So obviously any helpful tips would be appreciated. As of now, I'm hoping to live off sushi, thai, and fruits/veggies... even though everyone keeps telling me how amazing the Indian food is (I can't trust the calorie content!). Any life saving or "make sure you don't..." suggestions can be sent to !!

Ana's Girl
Baby food? What makes that a safe food? I've never heard of eating that before, and frankly, i'm intrigued by this new idea.

Here's my rationalization. If I can, I like to eat things that aren't bulky so my stomach doesn't stick out and I don't feel disgustingly full. It's already portioned. They run about 40-70 calories and are ridiculously low in sugar and are fat/sodium free. PLUS they have a bunch of little baby size vitamins, which are always helpful. And I can safely keep them in my house because WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET DESPERATE ENOUGH TO BINGE ON BABY FOOD!? never. I can't keep jell-o because I'll eat it all, but baby food is sweet enough to satisfy me but I'll never eat more than one... it actually takes me quite some time to get through my whole allocated purchase. So that's that.

And did you finish reading wasted yet? I cant wait until its been long enough that i can read it again!

I've just gotten through her first hospitalization. I read a LOT in about 1 day, and then I realized it was too intense and I was having crazy dreams (the same thing happened when I tried to read
Stiff... amazing book by the way!). So I've slowed down. Marya's hidden under my mattress, gives new meaning to the word Ana Porn I think.

Definitely though it's given me a lot of insight into myself, and it's made me realize how fucked up I am (why am I mad that I'm not passing out or growing lanugo? Don't answer, I know I'm not supposed to think those things...).


In other news, I'm going to try and focus on maintaining at 107 for a bit. It seems like a good number (107lbs 17.0 bmi 48.5kg), and as much as I want to keep losing, I think in order to maintain real control, I have to consider the idea of going against what my Dark Passenger *more on this tomorrow* is telling me to do.

Questions, comments, concerns? I had this regular substitute in middle school who used to end his thoughts with that phrase, probably knowing that would end any thought we 12-year-olds may have had in our wee brains. Hopefully I didn't do the same for you, dear reader.


Anonymous said...

aaaaaaaargh i'm so glad to finally hear details of your trip.

I want to do one better than give you advice on my home town, i want to take you the fuck OUT.
Except i'll be in france.

Wracking my brains...

(and i did the exact thing with wasted, i identified with so much of it and just got much too intense while i was reading so i kept having all these revelation style moments that freaked me the fuck out. And i think that reading about how bad she got made me see my own actions as safe by comparison, allowing me to justify 3 straight days of amphetamines till i can barely eat as 'not that bad'... It made me want to get off the ride before i got that bad, but also know how far i could go. Dangerous stuff.)

saffron said...

GREAT. thank you for quashing my comment. wait a minute while i think of it again.

OH YEAH. i recently spend a harrowing TWO DAYS straight reading all of your back blog posts because i couldn't stop reading. because:
a) what's apparently in your brain is nearly always in my brain and it's kind of creepy and reassuring at the same time. i have been thinking of starting a blog for a bit now (never had one before) but it seems kind of pointless because whatever i want to say you've already said. so i don't know what to do about that.
and b) you're a WONDERFUL writer (says the girl with the creative writing degree who had to go to three colleges to get one, so I either really know what i'm talking about or my head is full of bits of fluff. probably the fluff. but oh well.)
i don't know what the point was. probably just that you're actually awesome and amazing and I check your blog like 50 times a day to see if you've posted yet (is that stalker-ish? is it bad if it is?)

ALSO, i think choosing to maintain weight and being able to do it is crucial--if you can do it it means you have complete control over what's going on and the fucked-up part of you has won nothing.

Anonymous said...

looking forward to hearing your answer to why!

Ana's Girl said...

Haha. I did the same thing with Wasted. I read so much and then realized how obsessed i was getting and decided to put it aside for a while.

Anonymous said...

Wasted also got very intense for me, it took me almost a month to read that book; when usually a book takes me about a day(depending on its size). I still wonder about that book and wondering if I'll ever get that far.

Hope to hear 'why' someday!

Yum said...

why am I mad that I'm not passing out or growing lanugo?

Believe me, you are not the only one.

Jem said...

how exciting about studying abroad! september is coming up so soon! Ill b in london in december, but for a vacation type thing. lol and i did the same thing with wasted.. still not finished, its been over a month. you have to be in a certain frame of mine to read it i think.

Hanz said...

I'm starting uni in London in September too... See you at Freshers :P Haha, wasted is an amazing book, but if I read it for too long I end up feeling really insane, like I'm falling. Weird but hey. x

throughraindrops said...

from my holiday to america 5 years ago i think your safer in britain as far as eating out and fast food temptation goes sorry but american portion sizes WTF!
however there isnt as much fat free zero cal stuff here i dont think(or as much bad food choice tho) and most restraunts wont have nutritional info but i dont asume you will eat out alot. that really didnt help at all sorry

i had to keep wasted under matress so mother wouldnt find it but if found it okay to read a little scary but not too intense

heebeejebus! said...

Awwh, thank you. Haha. I think the southeast is known for fat people/southern cooking, but California is known for the skinnies! I will visit one day. : )

Flushed said...

To study abroad is a dream of mine! I'm so envious(!) but happy for you! I'm sure you'll do just fine as far as blending and if not, you'll just be the cute american girl, win/win. ;)

what if summer... said...

Oh Savory, you are my favoritest blogger in all the land.

(I guess I should spell it favouritest now that you're going all UK on me.)

Tree said...

i have to admit, the Indian food in London is to die for....I had it once and the rest of the time I just ate toast and drank coffee. I believe I lost 7lbs in 5 days cause all I did was walk lol >.<

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