Last Day of Spring Break

So before I get into a rambling post, I wanted to make some clarifications. [What if Summer...], unfortunately my sense of boundaries are lacking so yeah I did dedicate a whole post to colon cleansing! The reason I did it was because I'd read about people doing them, but not too much information on the effectiveness, unwanted side effects, etc. etc. So, I was like "Well, I did it, so I might as well write about it since my life is boring as all Hell otherwise."

[Tree] and [Dee] further commented on the flush. Supposedly, it's supposed to be more effective than laxies and even enemas (the later of which I will *never* try). It cleanses the entire digestive system rather than just the colon. The salt water was really really not that bad. It was how full the salt water made me feel, but I was determined to drink the damn thing. I've heard accounts of people getting nauseated and throwing up, but I just felt like a giant water balloon. I think this is because I have been eating so little lately, they really recommend you skip at least one meal before doing it.

Anyway, so for all my dear readers out there... try a flush if you feel like it (it's cheap and I suppose effective) but I don't think I'll be doing it again unless it's dire circumstances.

My reason for this is the damn sodium made me gain 4 pounds! You are drinking like twice to four times your daily recommended sodium cap, if that gives you an idea. It hasn't come off and it could take days. How am I supposed to track how effective my regimen is if I have this fake water/sodium weight??? Ugh. So, if you're like me and can't stand losing control of the scales, I don't recommend a flush.

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So because of the dreaded 127 on the scale, I allowed myself (no. the pig in me allowed me) some cookies and Little Debbie's "Nutty Bars" at like 1:00AM last night. I can't decide if I want to include it in yesterday's count or today's.

But because of it, I'm water fasting all day today and hopefully tomorrow (and if I can do it tomorrow, I'll do it Wednesday too!). Drinking a ton of water to try and rid myself of all the sodium. I'll allow myself a tea with stevia tonight as I'm supposed to go out with a friend (she wanted to go out for dinner and I lied and told her that I had to eat with my mother, then I told my mother I would be getting dinner and coffee with her...... ugh my ED has made me so dishonest. But if people would just let me do what I want, I wouldn't have to).

So this morning to keep up the act of eating, I grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and guiltily took it up to my room, into the bathroom, and spooned out the contents into the toilet. Flush, evidence gone. So now I'll leave the empty container and spoon around for my mom to find.

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Blah, I'm sorry readers, my life is super boring right now. But a big thank you out there to everyone following or reading, and especially all the pretty comments you've left. Seriously, I live to read ya'lls blogs and get excited about a new comment. So thanks for being so supportive and awesome!!

Wasting away for the rest of the day.

Cheers,
Savory

Salt Water Flush

Did a salt water flush.

I still don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I guess it worked? It took about an hour and I never had the "OMG OMG OMG why did someone fucking close the door on the bathroom so it wouldn't be convienent for me to get to immediately?!!??!???" type urgent feeling. I suppose that's good, but that's also how I gauge how much it's working.

But, let's start from the beginning, shall we?

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Woke up this morning, remembered that I had Del Taco *TWICE* yesterday. I attribute this to the huge fight I had with my mother over something ridiculous. Anyway, cals for yesterday were 1,250 (I consider it a personal failure when I have to put a comma in my daily calories). The sad part is I was down to 121.8 yesterday. I knew I wouldn't see that number today, and probably not even 123.

UGH, 124. Whatever. Whatever. I remembered that I popped some laxies before I had gone to sleep. Went about my day. My mother gave me my last pear to eat... I hid it in my secretary's desk, thinking I'd eat it tomorrow after I was back to a reasonable number. I started craving shit food like pizza and cookies and felt sad. So, I hoped that eating the pear would help (side note: Etsy's Plants and Edibles Section fucks me up with weird cravings like all the time. Ugh, all the vegan goodness!).

Anyway, I asked my mom if we had any sea salt. By this point, after the laxies have me doubled over in cramps but haven't been effective, I am determined to try something else. Nosey mother insists on helping me with this salt flush as she's certain I don't know what I'm talking about and she'll have to take me to the ER. So we do the mix:

2 teaspoons Sea Salt
1 quart boiled water (I boiled it so the salt would super dissolve and then let it cool and put a few ice cubes to get it to lukewarm)

I start drinking. Immediately I'm struck by how not un-drinkable it is. I imagine it's a really salty really watery matzo soup. The saltiness (though it was salty) wasn't what was hard for me... it was drinking the warm water.

Before you do a flush, I would recommend doing a test run the day before by drinking 1 quart of lukewarm water. Just so you know how uncomfortably full you'll be.

Got on the scale: 127.5. GROSS! I realized later that I probably won't even see low numbers on the scale for awhile because I'll be so puffy and bloated from all the damn salt.

So, waited and waited. Decided it was bogus. Then it worked. It wasn't magical or anything (like I said, I'd already had a sad affair with the laxies earlier)... but it was definitely *interesting*. I will decide if it was worth it when the damn puffiness subsides and I can get an accurate picture.

Cals for today: 470

Tomorrow I'm shooting for 90.

My body, the incenirator

This is my morning ritual. I try and sleep as late as possible. My rationalization for this is that while I sleep, my body is working really hard at eating away all that fat because I'm not awake giving it food to eat. This has been supported by the recent loss of around a pound a day by basically eating mainly vegetables/fruits, supplemented with some protein, and extremely varying my calories (here are my numbers from last Saturday to today's ideal: 350, 870, 156, 900-1200, 64, 720, 158, 235).

When I get up, I try and wait until about noon without weighing myself or eating. Must continue letting my body think it's not getting anything and should start shoving in the fat into the metaphorical furnace. At about 11:00-12:00 I will waddle over to the scale and step on it. If I'm happy with the number (a.k.a. if it's smaller than the day before), I can now make breakfast and start drinking the ridiculous amount of water I want to get through during the day to keep hydrated. If not... then I have to continue abstaining for another hour or so to teach my dumbass body a lesson in doing some damn work while I'm sleeping.

Today, I'm waiting to see the scale budge... It's at 123.0; I won't be satisfied until I see 122.__ lol.

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A list of things in my Google search that needs to be periodically cleared out, as some of them alone and many of them combined would raise suspicion and eyebrows (I left out most of the "_____(insert food)_____ calories" because they were boring, except for a few) You won't see too many overt anorexia/bulimia/EDNOS references because I'm pretty good at remembering to clear out my history when I type those in:

(A)
Advice Nurse
Amy's lentil soup
Ana's Girls

(B)
Baby food nutrition
BMI
Body fat percentage
Body shapes and sizes

(C)
Calcium chews calories
Calculate body fat

(D)
Dill pickle chips calories
Does 2-4-6-8 diet work?

(E)

(F)
Fat percentage
Flour calories

(G)

(H)
Hemorrhoid relief
How to give yourself a colonic massage
Hypnotherapy binge eating

(I)

(J)

(K)

(L)

(M)
Meat substitutes
Mental illness and literature
Most calorie foods

(N)

(O)

(P)
Paresthesia relief
Pro-Ana vs Pro-ED

(Q)

(R)

(S)
Shimberg relief from IBS
Stevia pros and cons
Sugar free Easter Peeps calories
Swallowed gum calories

(T)
Teaspoon per cup
Topamax tingling
Trader Joe's fiber cakes

(U)

(V)

(W)
When fiber doesn't work

(X)

(Y)

(Z)
Zero calorie foods

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Oh and just a few that are random and I thought were really funny strung together:

1950s anti-communist slogans, asthma disability, birdnapped bird, fallout shelter, famous southern gay men, red hat society, satyr, Tesla, where is the appendix??

Sigh. I sometimes find myself too amusing.

Can I be a feminist and anorexic?

Finally reached GW1. 123.4 (OMG. it's [Hana's] dreaded number)! Scared myself this morning because with my pajamas on I was 124.2, so I had the genius idea of weighing myself in my skivvies. It worked! Told myself that I would post my measurements, but maybe I'll do it when I hit 118. I'm shy and not nearly thin enough to feel good about my measurements. So, I haven't done *any* work on my thesis this whole break, so I read everyone who posted this morning, and I'm going to try to stay off Blogger until I get some real work done. Leaving you with what I hope to be a good post:

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I'm taking a course on sex and gender. Our department chair is teaching it. She is literally the smartest person I have ever met.

Four days into the course--I'm sure during a bad day--she was talking about body issues, and how you can change your body through will. I think she used the example of a woman changing from a triangle shape (pear) to rectangle shape (celery?) through exercise or something to that extent. Anne Fausto Sterling's Sexing the Body goes into a lot of the biology/cultural blah blah blah of this. Surprisingly interesting.

Anyway, I think that people started getting a glazed over look and she did like one of those "I'm feeling awkward I'm going to laugh and make a joke" and she said something to the extend of "You know, like anorexia"... I think one or two people laughed, I cracked a smile but couldn't manage to laugh because I didn't want people looking at me, but I felt really bad because I LOVE this woman (I'm literally obsessed with her). Then she was like "Oh my goodness, I can't believe I've just made an anorexia joke, it's really not funny." She doesn't stop there. She's still feeling awkward and vulnerable. She continues, "I don't know why I said that; I know it's not funny. One of my brothers was anorexic as a teenager, and we couldn't do anything about it. He was a hockey player! He wouldn't eat and it was horrible." Now everyone feels awkward and vulnerable. Class ends a minute later, and we all leave.

This made me wonder about the implications of being a feminist and anorexic.

There's a lot wrapped up in mainstream media about anorexia being tied up with the fashion industry and being pressured by modern Western standards of beauty. So feminism in the 70s claimed that you had to burn bras and not conform to looking feminine. 3rd wave feminism, however, reclaimed the right for women to be whatever they wanted to be. If you wear blue jeans and Converse shoes or stilettos and red lipstick, that is your right and you are just as much of a feminist. Women didn't have to look and act like men in the workplace to be taken seriously. It is about personhood. You are a feminist if you believe in any of the following: privacy and reproductive rights, that there isn't just one type of family, derogatory words can be reclaimed, or that you always have the right to say "No" regardless of what you are wearing. Third wave feminism has taken on a number of different largely-grassroots agendas.

What does this have to do with being anorexic? Well, for me at least, anorexia does have a lot to do with the way I see myself, wanting to look/feel better, and striving for perfection. But it's a great deal more than that, and I've met anorexics who aren't in their teens or twenties, who know they won't look like supermodels, and don't give a damn about the fashion industry. Anorexia is complicated. Feminism is complicated. I'm not trying to confound the two, but I can be both. For now, anorexia is my problem. No one else's. Why I'm disordered is complicated, but society can't make me feel like less of a woman, or less of a feminist, for it.

I must admit, as a side note, I entered college thinking that feminism was a little out there, that "Vagina Monologues" was inspiring but tired, but I have been converted (not hard if you knew where I ended up going to school) and am a proud third-wave feminist... and have an eating disorder. I didn't choose to be mentally ill, but I am, and though the world will continue to pass judgment, I choose to ignore it.

All fried food Tastes the Same?!

I've been fairly successful in my transition to veganism. Only 4 slipups thus far since last week:

Saturday- Manchego Cheese (OMG. I am in love. I wish I never discovered this)
Wednesday- Pizza, donut (I don't know why I've been obsessed with these in the past few weeks, I only eat like 4 a year usually... bleh), egg whites

The only thing I'm so annoyed about is the fact that every single person replies when I say "Oh, I'm attempting to transition to Veganism" ... "Hrmmm, Vegan for weight loss, eh?"

OK. Yes, that's going to cut out a lot of fatty nasty gross foods. But I've been a vegetarian most of my life for health/ethical/pseudo-religious reasons, and they all know this. Perhaps my friends and family are just being catty because I am losing weight, or jealous that they don't have my resolve to give up over-processed-food.

Whatever. I'll do what I want.

---

It's dinnertime here, and so far I have stuck to my 64cal except that I had 1/16 of the other donut that is in the house. Damn Damn Damn. After I ate it, I had a strange taste in my mouth. I likened it to hash browns. Eeeew. I got these donuts from "Yum Yum Donuts" which is a ... gasp, donut shop. So, there would be no hash browns to be found there. This has led me to believe that: ALL FRIED FOOD TASTES THE SAME. I'm hoping that this helps me kick my strange donut habit. Calculated my calories and I ate 19cal. Sadly, I can now only eat 2 sticks of celery for dinner instead of 5. Ugh. But If I eat 8 pickle chips (ZERO cal), maybe I will survive. My stupid mother has just toasted up some chicken-less breaded chicken strips. They are 130cal for 4. I'm trying to tell myself it's not worth it to have one. I told you all this morning that I would be eating SIXTY-FOUR CALORIES TODAY.

I can't lose control. I can't disappoint my readers. And don't tell me that you won't think I'm a cow if I eat those 32.5cal because I need you to be slightly disgusted with me to get me through the day :)

My knobby knees

Update: started at 130/129lbs last Saturday. I'm supposed to be at 123lbs Friday. At the end of Day 4, I had lost additional poundage, and was at 124. I knew all week that today would be my high cal day, but I didn't realize *HOW* high... the BF came to visit my hometown.

I ate:
egg white omelet (100-120)
loads of pizza (1000-1200?? maybe more, maybe less)
[in my defense, our hometown pizza has been eaten by Nicole Richie, flown in by helicopter for "The Simple Life," it's THIS good... I shouldn't let food control me though. I was weak.]
Crumb cake donut (300)
It was a *really* high calorie day. I think I'm at 126lbs now :(

Felt terrible and purged some of it, twice... I don't want to make a habit of this. I think my mother knew I purged because she was watching TV and on commercial she said "You were saying something about bulimics?"... "Uh no?"... "Oh, well we were talking about orchids then." Must be more careful. And never purge again. I'm really bad at it anyway.

Plan for tomorrow:
B-vegetable broth, seasoning, 1 chopped baby carrot (24cal)
L-tablespoon pomegranate seeds (10cal)
D-five diced celery, cilantro, hot sauce (30cal)
total=64

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So something [Tulip] talks about in her recent post awakened something in me at an inappropriate time (it's disgusting TMI so I'm not going to get into it). This was later reawakened by another post by [hiddenperfection].

As long as I can remember, I have had issues with my body. In the 4th grade, I wore these long pink shorts to cover up this scar I have on my thigh (it's from falling and getting impaled on my Mickey train tunnel when I was a little kid, playing superman on my arm rest...). I hated my thighs. Even more than hating that scar, I remember always hating my knobby knees and pale pale skin. I've always thought I was fat and ugly. Always. I started cutting when I was eleven. I would go into the bathroom, cut myself on my wrists and arms and walk out and tell my mother that the cats had scratched me all over.

The other night my mom told me that my best friend in elementary school who I was always jealous of for being thin and beautiful was "taught" by her mother to be bulimic... when she was like eight. I've like always been surrounded by body dysmorphic and disordered eating.

Up until like just now, I thought my issues with food started with my weight gain in college from Zoloft. But I remember in high school, I was one of the thinnest girls in my class, and I would stand sideways and pinch my skin, and talk about how huge I was. Looking back, I wish I could be that thin again. Hindsight is 20/20. It's hard to see clearly now. I look at girls I am surrounded by, and I see stick thin legs and perfect skin, while I see my own disgusting whale self and horrible imperfect body.

I have wasted my whole life hating myself, every aspect of myself, and I'll probably continue to do so. It's so sad. But I can't stop.

Journal Entry One

October 10, 2006
8:32am

*Excerpt from Journal*

My mother calls the nurses station every ten minutes until they give her the direct phone number of one of the pay phones on Ward B. One of the acute schizophrenics answers; he thinks it's an angel receiving his prayers and starts muttering something about blue shirts being a bad color to wear today. He calls my name out and hands me the phone, telling me I've been saved, and we've got to be prepared if we want to be ready to ascend the tower.

He was sent to the hospital because he was found climbing an industrial crane on campus.

I take the phone. She immediately breaks down and asks me if she should take a flight to come see me. I don't want to tell her that she is the last person I want to see. Frankly, I want to see no one. "No, we can't afford it. I don't know how much this is going to cost... anyway, you have to stay home and take care of Rachel and the cats," I manage to choke out.

She rapidly tells me her version of what happened after I hung up with her last night, giving me slightly too many details in usual fashion. My phone call to her right before my failed suicide attempt, her conversation with my best friend at the ER, a restless night of unanswered questions 500 miles away, the futile phone calls to the nurses. I wonder how long I can wait before telling her I'm tired, if I'm supposed to be polite, and I think about who has had the bigger ordeal as I remember the taste of charcoal, vomit, and this morning's stale breakfast.

"Mom, they took away all my stuff. They let me write down some phone numbers, but someone stole the paper I wrote them on while I was sleeping. I'm pretty sure it was one of the nurses. They don't want me to have contact with the outside world. Please call Ben and tell him to bring me some clothes. I can't keep wearing these pajamas. People are staring at me."

She thinks I'm paranoid, like I'm going to catch whatever the acutes have. There aren't enough beds in Ward A with the depressives and EDs, so I'm here. There isn't even carpeting in this ward. Everything is vinyl and plastic, probably to periodically hose us down and sanitize us. I have to ask for soap. Everything is pure Id.

I try to find a clean corner for crying, but I can't manage tears.

A night-school-nurse-in-training wheels a cart over toward me and wants to take my morning vitals, cheerfully asking me how I'm doing today. She thinks she's saving the world, one mentally ill person at a time. I think she can go fuck herself, but I let her probe me anyway.

Day 4!

Day 4, another pound shed! That's 4 pounds in 4 days. I was SO worried that the Indian food would sabotage me. I'm really hoping to reach GW1 by Friday, which is when I originally had planned to according to my Wii Fit LOL. If I keep going at a pound a day, I can do it.

Today is all neg. cal day. This morning I had an asian pear (my FAVORITE kind of pear!), and I fed some to the dog... not too much, I don't want his little liver to go out of wack from too much sugar. Tonight I'm going to have loads of spinach, and I'll sauté a bunch for my mom with Tender Bits and choppped garlic. Trying to get her healthy too. So if I can manage not to eat the tender bits (she's going out tonight, so if I eat slow, I can pick at my food and then throw the yummy bits away) my cal. total will only be 71 for today. If I get forced to eat the Tender Bits, I'll be at 151. Not terrible either way.

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Had to call the advice nurse at school and bitch at her that I've been eating like 35g of fiber (13g of all-bran, 13g of bran cake, +veggies) and my gastro-intestinal tract is ON STRIKE still. Everyone is all on the "eat more fucking fiber" movement, but that's not working. And laxatives don't work unless I take a ton of them, then I'm doubled over with cramps. Sigh. I just want to be empty.

She had no answers. "something something something peppermint oil pills something something sorry that you're having problems something lame lame lame something something." UGH.

Tried to give myself a colonic massage yesterday, heard some noises, but nothing. I am officially broken. If I had some sea salt, I would have resorted to a salt water cleanse, but I don't, so I haven't. Bitch bitch bitch.

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Oh, I decided that I would try hypnotherapy to see if it could stop binges [another glorious inspiration of Supersize vs. Superskinny]. Unfortunately, I got super anxious talking to the first therapist on the phone who answered, and now I'm roped into something called Guided Imagery for $60.00 an hour (she actually charges $125.00 but in my poor attempt to get off the phone, I told her I couldn't afford it, and she was like "what can you afford?" and I said the first thing that popped in my head... UGH). She claims she can help me with my *said* anxiety and my binge eating. So, I'll trot over to her office next Wednesday and see what this woman and her "hypnotherapy-like" session has to offer.

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P.S. Thanks girls for all your supportive comments about the boy! The really sucky thing is that we live together. Well, I love living with him, but it does take a lot of my freedom away. So there's no way to hide my fasting. So, I had to convince him that it's for detoxing and because of my IBS. I dunno, when I go to England next year, it will be easier, but at least for now the confrontation wasn't bad, and I think as long as he's still getting sex, I think that's all he really cares about. *rolls eyes*

Bad news, bears!

Down another pound! Unfortunately, I'm going to have to switch some dates on Kat's plan because my mom wants to do Indian tonight so that's going to be 600 calories today. At least it's all Vegan!

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Uh oh... Confrontation.

The Boy: Hey I just wanted to say a few things. Ok, so I don't care if you want to unhealthily lose weight but please know that I always love your body so please don't be shy about it around me.

Me: I'm not. I was just feeling bad about you leaving.

Him: I see.

Me: And I'm just depressed. Hopefully the Wellbutrin will help.

Him: Also do whatever you want to lose weight but please please don't end up in the hospital again. I really love you and don't want any harm coming to you. I want to feel like I can let you watch out for yourself, ok? So if you promise to watch out for yourself then I wont intercede, ok?

Me: What do you mean?

Him: I mean eating less than a thousand calories a day for a long time is bad... I don't want you to end up like those skinny chicks on that program you watch
or worse in a hospital and then the psych ward again.

Me: I won't.

Him: Ok. I just want to be able to spend as much time with you as possible.

Me: Uh ok.

Him: Well, I don't want you to get super skinny like on the show and they are like, "You will die from being too weak if you keep eating this way."

Me: It's fine. Why are you all concerned all of a sudden?

Him: Well you just seem to keep extending your fasts. And you said you felt gross looking.

Me: Well I was just depressed.

Him: Ok.
---

Damn Youtube. I started watching Supersize vs. Superskinny (UK Channel 4), which is thinspo AND reverse thinspo rolled into one. There's also repulsive food all over it! Introduced it to my mom last night and it's thinspo for her too!! yay. But apparently it's triggering for the boy.

Well, now it's time to be less open and sharing with him. I guess I have to hide my fasting because I don't want to worry him... and he's totally not above calling the cops or my psychiatrist on me. Pretty sure he's the kind of guy who'll grow up and turn into a staunchy Republican douche. But I love him anyhow.

***Tip Share 2009 of the day: Meat Substitutes!!! I was raised a Seventh Day Adventist, so, I'm pretty obsessed with soy meat that normal people would probably be repulsed by. It's higher in calories than normal meat, but it's a good way to get your protein when you get sick of beans and tofu. Most of these require no refrigeration, but watch out for some of the sodium contents. My mother, of course, loves to bread and fry hers, making it super unhealthy but wonderfully tasty. You can find Morningstar Farms, Boca, and Gardenburger in your local grocery store, but I think that Worthington, and Loma Linda are making some great products. *jumps off soap box*

Cheers,
Savory

Absolutely LOVE Kat!

Weight is going back down, finally! I'm totally thanking [Kat] and her strict regimen for this :) Down 2 pounds in 2 days. Hooray!

It was my sister's birthday today. She wanted to go to an Italian restaurant (the devil!!!) and do wine tasting, because she turned 21. I basically told my mother there wouldn't be anything there for me to eat, as she knows I'm transitioning to Vegan, and that I would order something so as not to freak out my sister, but I wouldn't eat it and my mom could take it home and eat it later.

I'm really surprised she was so understanding. It kind of makes me feel bad that I'm making my pudgy sister and overweight mother even more fat by giving them my food, but I really can't eat pastas and breads and olive oils. That's not going to happen. Had to pretend to sip on wine to please my mom though.

Aaand I'm super happy because after my sister got ill off one bellini (wtf!? lightweight), we took her back to her dorm, and my mom and I went to Target. I got a really snazzy heart-rate monitor/calorie counter. So needed one. I hated not knowing how much hard work I was doing on the Wii Fit. Also got an air popper to stop any carb cravings in their tracks. Went to Barnes & Noble to use some gift cards and picked up "Skinny Bitch" which I'm excited to read!

So all in all it was a good day. Here's hoping the scale smiles at me tomorrow and my calorie counter works :)

Cheers,
Savory

Puppies and Groceries

See? What did I tell you!? I'm feeling loads better today. Though, it does help that I'm at home with my terribly adorable dog. He seriously can't help being so precious.

Just got back from Trader Joe's to stock up on safe foods for the week during Spring Break. Stupidly decided to introduce my Southern mother to Indian food, so unfortunately that's not safe... but I've already made the excuse as to why I can't eat it with her tonight. The stupid party I have to go to! Bleh. And I'll tell everyone at the party that I had dinner with my mother. Mwahahah.

I got a ton of veggies, cilantro, some fruits (including sliced mangos and pomegranate seeds to have with my bran), mustard, zero cal olive oil spray, vegetable broth, stevia powder, and almond milk. Yay! We have a bunch of soy products already here, so I'm good on my protein front.

So after a bad week last week that sabatoged an excellent week before, I'm hoping to have a good week this week. I'm trying to follow [Kat's Challenge] with today being my first day, so here's hoping I'll be as successful as she has been with it :)

Hope everyone is doing well! Keep focusing on the immediate goal you're trying to achieve this week :)

this post does not deserve the satisfaction of a title

I'm at total fatty failure mess.

Spring Break started. Am I happy? No. I've been crying all day.

The BF leaving is what started it all. No no. Actually, it was the BF wanting to fool around before he left, but I felt so repulsed by myself I wouldn't let him get near me, which of course makes me feel like a terrible girlfriend and an even worse human being. I just don't want anyone to touch me.

So he leaves and I accuse him of abandoning me. This happens every vacation. It might help to know I'm a "borderline personality" so I take this all very seriously. I can't even threaten to kill myself anymore because he just rolls his eyes and says "Do you want me to call the cops? Do you want to go back to the hospital?"

I. Do. Not. Dying wouldn't be terrible though. I've just realized that that would be another thing I'd completely fail at. Last time I was hospitalized, this whiny freshman latched onto me. She had terrible bloodshot eyes and a pretty bruised face. She had tried to hang herself in her dorm. And failed. So I've just come to tell people that attempting suicide is futile because you'll probably fuck it up and then end up in the loony bin with people like me wearing their dressing gowns as capes to fuck with the nursing staff.

Today I purged for the first time. It wasn't glamorous and streamline, but awkwardly performed with no satisfaction. I won't purge anymore. Unfortunately, I had just taken 4 laxatives (it's been like a week!), so I may have purged them as well. Just popped 3 more for safe measure.

Been frantically searching my apartment for my bottle of Hoodia. I'm just that desperate ya'll. Going back on the Wellbutrin and possibly the Topamax (though I think I've like reached a tolerance for the later). So I'm thinking the Wellbutrin + Hoodia will kill my appetite.

The sad thing, is I haven't even been hungry. I just get this weird *there's way too much saliva in my mouth* feeling that I guess is a craving? Or I'm just going crazy.

I changed my flight from tonight to tomorrow morning. But I really just want to stay here alone, throw all my food away, and starve. I need to be alone for awhile. But that will never happen. Dug up an unused journal that I'm going to start using for thinspo/motivation. I used to journal after my first hospitalization, and it helped with the *you are worthless* feelings and the *I wonder where my pointy knife is* thoughts. So maybe journaling this time will help with the *I need to eat everything in sight so I look/feel as disgusting as I am* compulsions.

Sigh, I'm sorry this isn't a very cheery or uplifting post. I'm a rapid-cycler, so tomorrow I'll probably be plotting some scheme to take over a Fortune 500 Company.

Thank you girls for all the lovely comments! You all keep me going when I'm weak, and motivate me to wake me up in the mornings :)

What nourishes me, destroys me

My body hates me, my mind is against me, and I hate everything about me.

It's all or nothing. Time to be strict, no moderation, no cheating, nothing. There is no reward in 5 seconds, or 5 minutes, or 5 hours of binging. No satisfaction. So, I can't even have those 5 seconds because I know that: A) I won't stop B) It's futile.

Food is my weakness, and my weakness shows on my fatty flabby body. Any food that has no purpose, only pleasure, will no longer be consumed. My body is a temple, and I need to fucking treat it like one. No more ranch dressing, no more Milky Ways, no more fried *anything*.

I can do better. I can be more perfect. I will show everyone that I am better and stronger and more motivated than they are. And it starts with saying "No" to food.

It's time to be serious, to see my bones, to show myself how delicate and fragile I can look, while still having stronger willpower than anyone I know. I will look at my friends, gorging themselves on pizza and burritos and candy, and think how much better I am.

No longer will I have cravings for food. I will ignore any signal my brain sends me to try to throw me off course. It is my biggest adversary. When I say "no" to my cravings, to food, I am accepting thinness in my life. I have the strength to refuse food, to refuse sweets, to refuse crap that's probably killing me anyway.

Quod me nutrit, me destruit

Oh Rufus!

	Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk
	Found at skreemr.com

In a very disordered state of mind... this song came up on my iTunes, and I was like "Rufus! You are speaking to my soul!" I doubt he intended the song to have this particular meaning, but no matter:

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like 's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I likes a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

And then there's those other things
Which for several reasons we wont mention
Everything about 'em is a little bit stranger, a little bit harder
A little bit deadly

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Sitting here remembering me
Always been a shoe made for the city
Go ahead accuse me of just singing about places
With scrappy boys faces have general run of the town

Playing with prodigal sons
Take a lot of sentimental Valium
Can't expect the world to be your Raggedy Andy
While running on empty you little old doll with a frown

You got to keep in the game
Retaining mystique while facing forward
I suggest a reading of a lesson in tightropes
Or surfing your high hopes or adios Kansas

It isn't very smart
Tends to make one part
So brokenhearted

Still there's not a show on my back
Holes or a friendly intervention
I'm just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish
A little bit tower of Pisa
Whenever I see ya
So please be kind if I'm a mess

Cigarettes and chocolate milk
Cigarettes and chocolate milk

Support and More Support!

Hey girls!

Thanks for all the supportive comments :) I'm really excited to have gotten in. Found out like 10 minutes ago, I didn't get the scholarship I was interviewing for last week (though it's not terribly surprising as they didn't really seem to understand what I wanted to study, and I said some pretty ridiculous things...), but I don't really care. I'll find a way to get to England.

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Today is Day 1 of fasting, after fasting for two days, and fasting for 1.5 days before the weekend. I need to get a good long fast in, because the on an off binging is making me slowly gain from my hard work during my 3-Day fast. I'm so glad to have [Jenna's] support, as well as knowing that there's a few other girls out there fasting or getting ready to fast: [Watch Me Lose 20], [RayRay], [Perfección Es Control], and [Sophia Ruins]. You all are keeping me motivated and on track! And good luck with your fasting :)

This competition that [Lulu] has started keeps getting me pumped. I think about eating something, and I'm like "nope, she's been giving up stuff to win it, you can't look ridiculous next week when you haven't lost anything!" Grin and bear it, ladies!

I'm going to try and stay under the radar for the next few days to get into this fast, and get some school work accomplished. Chug chug chugging along...

Cheers,
Savory

Application for Admission

I broke the fast :( But it was because the BF was making me celebrate for staying up all night calling the UK to find out that I got into Oxford! gah. Now I'm guilty and happy. So conflicted!

Re-starting the fast tomorrow. It's terrible that we have a cookie delivery service, otherwise I might have been able to get away without a celebration at the wee-hours of the night...

aah, guilty/happy/guilty/happy. I'll burn it off tomorrow, I swear and I'll fast for even longer.

tempted but not taken

SO proud of myself :)

Sat calm and composed tonight as my fatty cow friends and formerly-pudgy-now-stick friend ate huge burritos and drank a pitcher of margaritas. Lied and told them I would be having dinner with the BF later, and sipped on my water.

Earlier today, me and skinny friend went to the city into the shopping district so she could "see what size" she is now. Bitch. Walked around looking at all the weaklings eating their pizza and pastries, as I sipped on my water. Shopping is such good thinspo, I'm always like "You can't eat that muffin if you want to fit into these tiny clothes!"

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This Friday, I have to go home for Spring Break. I was looking forward to this, but I just want to stay away from food. Told my mother on the phone today that I read about some kind of detox thing about the Dali Lama (he's coming to our soon town and everyone is like dying), so I might be able to do some fasting at home without lying about where I'm eating my meals (though I'll have to do a lot of that as well).... also told her I was going to cut out meat, dairy, and wheat since it doesn't sit well with my stomach. She bought it.

I must admit, I have been tempted by food today, but I've gotta shed these pounds. That's more important than remembering what the fuck pasta tastes like.

Here's to an optimistic week!

Cheers,
Savory

Food and Shoes

I was in the city the other day and saw an ad for{MBT shoes}. If you don't own a pair, I highly encourage you to save up and buy some, despite their fashion flaws. They're fantastic. I get a workout when I'm not even trying.

I found the ads highly persuasive, not about shoes... but about not eating lunch that day. Here's a sampling of ads that I replaced the word shoe with something more appropriate to my, erm, compulsive thinking....

"Food is the opium for the masses. Promising happiness in a dazzling array of shapes and colors, it blinds us from seeing the truth..."

"Food isn't for us, it's against us. It's against our entire body."

"We shall fight food in the streets. We shall fight food in the office. We shall fight it in the park, the museum and the supermarket."

(but seriously, the shoes are amazing!)

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I am declaring war against food and my appetite. I don't need you or the shackles you with which you have bound me to this filthy lifestyle. I hereby free myself from the narrowminded thought that I must shovel food in me to exist. You dull my senses and bleaken my days.

Go away food. You'll find no sympathy here.

Hello new followers :) Thank you for reading.

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Girls, last night was a disaster. Had my tiny meal and excuses all planned out and at the last minute everyone decides not to go to this place, but rather to a pizza/beer joint. Made the excuse that I couldn't drink anything because I was on Topamax, so that saved a bunch of calories. But what pizza do they order? Potato and bacon! GROSS. And it had like full bacon slices or whatever on it. So I had to eat some because I was trying to stay under the radar, and if they ordered bacon, they obviously didn't care that they knew I *hate* bacon... so it was bad. But I only ate the one slice. Felt sick afterwards (and I think everyone else should have too, it was horrible)... but then they're like "OH it's Pi Day! We have to go get pie!!!!1111111"

So here I am at a diner choking down a little slice of pie, not eating the crust. Ugh, I couldn't have predicted it. Sad sad.

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Well, I don't really feel like doing it (as I have loads of fruits and veggies in the fridge) but I'm going to be fasting. I feel so much more in control when I fast. Weight today: 127 (which is .9 pounds down from what I was 2 days ago. Terrible). And I need to get below 125.2, where I was before my weight started gaining again.

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It's raining here. I love it.

Cheers,
Savory

Getting Through It

Thanks for the great suggestions re: Dinner. I'll definitely incorporate some/all of them in some form or another. I'm disappointed the human garbage disposal aka my boyfriend won't be coming. Since this place is kind of pricey, he and I could get away with splitting an entree and then I would just pretend to eat. Sad day.

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So, I had some things I wanted to share that have been successful in the past with me in regards to binging and various things:

1) Paint your fingernails first. They will take awhile to dry and you won't be able to eat anything, giving you time to really think about whether you need that food you are craving, AND I think we all need to just take some time out and do something silly and mindless for ourselves.

2) Subscribe to a fitness magazine. Keep these scattered around your apartment for thinspo and new techniques to liven up your gym routine. Most of these can be done at home and when you start to feel a craving, try one of their routines first. Plus, the recipes are super healthy and usu. very low cal!

3) Clean something disgusting that I know you've probably been putting off. The inside of the trash can, your sink drain, the litterbox. If it doesn't turn you off from food , then there's no help. Plus it might motivate you to start cleaning other things, that if done vigorously enough burns calories as well as being productive!

4) Visualize the food you are craving turning into something disgusting/inedible. This works for me when I watch TV and food is inundating me. Arby's sandwich? Rotting meat! Chocolate? Sewage! Ice cream? Peed-in-snow. haha, it gets ridiculous, but it works.

5) If you are the punishing type, buy some salt-scrub, take a shower and start exfoliating! Your skin will thank you after the redness subsides :)

6) Whiten those teeth! Save it for the time of day you usually start getting cravings, then pop your strips in. You can't eat or usu. drink for around 30min. But, in 7-14 days your smile will be so much whiter and brighter! Brush before and after this so food is less appetizing.

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Reminder, I'm going to start fasting again on Sunday if anyone wants to join me (I'm hoping to go until Friday)!

Ladies, have a great Saturday/Sunday depending on where in the world you are!

Cheers,
Savory

Top Dog

Sounds like everyone is having crazy dreams lately. Last night, I dreamed that I went into the Photocopy place down the block from me to get a tattoo right before it closed at 10:55. And the guy there yelled at me and told me I wasn’t worth it and to leave. I wanted a little tattoo of an anchor. Then, I dreamed I blogged about this.

I totally know what this dream means. I am known to run down to the corner store across the street during a binge at around 10:55 and get some Sour Straws or something right before they close. The tattoo artist was the really cute guy who works at the hot dog stand across the street (I know, it’s so sad that we have a little hot dog place, it’s like the world wants me to be fat), and I binged last night. Yesterday, I was getting a manicure and I saw this {magazine with Kate Moss on the cover}. There’s the anchor tattoo! I thought she looked kind of fat.

Bottom line, girls, what was this dream about? Binging (again)? Late night hijinks? Not doing enough cardio? No, no, and no (though I need to up it). It was about weighing myself and not liking what I saw.

I’m forsaking the scale until Sunday, when I’ll weigh myself before starting my fast. Then I’m not going to weigh myself except once every 3 days (at most).

The scale has been my downfall, and I’m not going to continue this pattern.

---

Fasting until tomorrow night when I have to go out to dinner with friends. Any ideas on how to get away with not eating much without annoying anyone?

Naan and Curry -- Hold the Naan

Lunch with the Professor went well. I practiced my new menu skills and tried to think about where she would want to go to lunch. Knowing her? Indian food. So I looked up the nutritional value of vegetarian tikka mesala last night (200cal) and made sure to suggest her favorite curry restaurant when we met. It worked! Ate the veggies and left the curry sauce, so I probably didn't eat quite 200calories, but I'd rather over estimate (so I can make sure to burn AT LEAST that much off later). She was a little distressed that I wasn't eating Naan, so I had to tell her I was trying to go wheat free for a week because I thought it didn't agree with my stomach. I don't want ANYONE to think I'm dieting. Well, not dieting in the sense of "atkins" or setting off "Let's watch Savory, she's starting to get thin" kind of things.

Think I'll just skip dinner as I didn't even find the curry satisfying. I like the feeling of eating food and still feeling like a hollow pit. It's so meaningless. Ugh, I'm getting sucked into the mindset again. Loving it. If I get hungry later, I'll just do more cardio. It always kills my appetite without fail. Mwahahaha.


Cheers,
Savory

P.S. My interview is tomorrow! Wish me luck!!! I'll need it, the only thing I have to wear are my fat pants LOL.

Hansel and Gretel

ugh. I got sucked into all of these "ban pro-ana" groups on facebook. People are so ridiculous and misinformed... they don't even understand what it is to be anorexic ("Oh, they just want to be supermodels!"). Yeah, I'm definitely giving advice to 10-year-old kids AND selling them some heroin for a good price while I'm at it. Jesus. Maybe ask yourself why your 10-year-old is LOOKING for these sites? Yes, yes, I'm disordered, fragile, and flawed, but for now... I.do.not.care.

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Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was how amazing it feels to have a support system on here. I really do wish I could share more of myself. Like, for instance, over the past few years, I've indulged in several (think 5-8) tattoos in various places and sizes. 2 are very large pieces. Absolutely beautiful and tastefully done (and not even stereotypical)... and of course, I nagged the artist about putting them in places that would look wonderful no matter what size I was (I love making fun of tattoos gone bad!). But, now that I'm starting to shrink, I feel like they are taking away from the overall effect of my slender legs and torso. Pictures would help demonstrate my point.

But this is where my conundrum comes to play. It's not that I don't want to share myself with you all. Because I absolutely do. But at the same time, I have to edit pieces of myself so that paranoid me feels secure that no one I know can stumble upon this and immediately place it as mine. Which is tragic. I suppose I could feel happy knowing that if I was doing all of this for attention, I would have already outed myself like 20 times, gotten an intervention, and moved on to some new fad.

So, I guess I'm saying, that I'm really glad that I have you all to come to daily and blog and comment to, and I feel so saddened that I can't be more of myself here! I'll scatter breadcrumbs for everyone to follow ;)

P.S. Thought of food is totally unappetizing. Maybe the stupid binge last night worked for something, haha!

On the Bandwagon!

I’m done feeling sorry for myself.

This morning the dominatrix woke me up and told me it was time to sweat off the calories. I sleepily replied that it was too late, but she wouldn’t have any of that. So we got up, and I did about 40 minutes of cardio. I hate that crazy Mistress voice in my head, but I need her to keep me going. I’ll work out again tonight when I get home from work.

Rewarded myself with a mini- at home spa treatment (eyebrows and facial mask). I realized I can’t be thin and beautiful if I don’t take care of my face and pamper myself a bit. Put my hair up in a high ponytail—this is exciting, as my hair is finally long enough to pony again—and admired how it elongated my neck.
I can’t keep beating myself up. That was the problem last night; I was already upset about the gain, and instead of motivating me to lose the weight, it just made me feel futile. No more of that. Every time I want to eat, I’ll find something to do to better myself so I don’t have this stupid low-self-esteem problem when I reach my goal. If that doesn’t work, I’ve dusted off some yoga/pilates DVDs and have the Wii Fit for when I can’t get to the gym (which, there’s really no excuse not to go to the gym, as our campus gym is open from 6AM to 1AM. Ridiculous!).

I’m also working on a really good workout mix… any suggestions are welcomed!!! I always work out to “Of Montreal” and feel like a total hipster bitch, but this is getting stale.

Oh, and I’m IMMENSELY inspired by [Winterlude’s] recent post. Check it out if you need an extra umph today. Crazy awesome.

Side Note/Edit: One of my professors decided out of the blue that she wants to have lunch with me. Long overdue, and why does she have to pick now? Ugh. My options are: avoid her, make an excuse, or just suck it up and find the safest food possible, then burn it off with some cardio. I have to balance my need for emptiness with my need for my adviser's reassurance. Bleh.

… Hmm, there are 3 “can’ts” in this post. I can lose the weight without getting discouraged or sabotaging myself. Hooray!
Have a great day, people! Think thin.

*critical fail*

UGH. I shouldn't weigh myself as much as I do.

Thought I would get over the .4 gain (which is probably in all honesty just like weird daytime weight fluctuations), so I'm fasting all day like a good girl, turning my nose up at the popcorn and oreos everyone brought for the movie night.... I get home, and am like "OK, time to weigh myself again since this morning was clearly a fluke!"

Wii Fit bitchily informs me that I've gained an additional .3 pounds since this morning. What the hell on, Wii Fit?! My total combined calories for the past 3 days have been less than 700, and I've been living off water like a freaking daisy all day.

I grab the BF and we head to the Mexican restaurant across from my apartment (in his defense, he tried to make me accountable and told me I would regret it, and made me do crunches before and wanted me to work out on the Wii). So we're sitting there, and I order a veggie chimichanga (let's take something that sounds healthy and then FRY IT!), and then start filling up on chips.

This wasn't a mindless binge, mind you. This was my internal skinny dominatrix voice telling me I was being punished. I hated every bite. I was full when the food came, but Madam cracked the whip and told me to continue eating.

The cupcakes were still here when we got back so I had to have 2, even though I wanted to die at this point.

So now my calories are at 1,000 for the day. The BF won't let me stay up all night working out on the Wii Fit to burn them off, so I'll have to restart the fast tomorrow and get in a few workouts throughout the day. I'm not discouraged, I'm just so mad at myself. I don't know what happened, and I thought I would just pretend this didn't happen and blog something cheerful tomorrow, but I can't lie. UGH.

I shouldn't weigh myself as much as I do. But I'll probably be back on that scale tomorrow morning.

Drinking MORE water & hating *normal* skinny girls

Thanks girls for your motivating and kind words!! You all are definitely helping me stay on track. And thanks to people who are reading and/or following my blog.

LOL, I doubt I'm alone in this feeling, but my competitive nature infiltrates little things. [Maggie] commented: "I am very competitive - I need to be the skinniest, smartest, fastest" and that's something that totally resonates with me. So I always get excited about readers because it makes me feel like I'm supported, and it also kind of gives me that *I'm winning* feeling. Who I'm competing with in this, I have no idea...

So, I decided to let the scale decide if I was going to be fasting over the next 2 days this morning. Up .4 pounds.... Grabbed my water and that was the end of the conversation. So, anyone else fasting right now, you are definitely keeping me on my toes and feeling inspired!

Now I have to figure out what to do about the cupcakes. I know I won't eat them in the next 2 days (iron will, grrr! lol), but after I break the fast, I def. don't want to start binging on these (150cal each w/o frosting, 240cal w/ frosting). In the past, when I lived by myself and got cooking cravings, I would bake, eat one or two, save another 2, and go on my merry way distributing my cupcakes to the homeless (they are prevalent here). I also have a movie night to go to tonight since I stupidly decided last year I *had* to run this organization and be president, so I might leave a few cupcakes for the BF and bring the rest to this thing.

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This is what bothers me about my new-found-skinny-friend. This bothers me about other skinny girls too. She is a total binge drinker. At her small college where they apparently have like ridiculously high standards, the only thing for students to do after finishing their chemistry or math problems is get wasted. So she does this. And has like a ton of drunk sex (p.s. I have no qualms against drunk sex normally).

It annoys me that she's somehow so tiny, but can probably drink like 1,500 calories in a go regularly and then be so self-confident with her body that she's just like naked 24/7 (lol).

This is a specific example, but the other skinny girls thing that bothers me is when I just see tiny twig girls munching on like fruit snacks and high cal things all the time and then giggling and saying "I am always hungry!! I have such a fast metabolism." Fuck you. Thanks for somehow making me feel inferior AND a cow when I'm at home munching on celery sticks in buffalo wing sauce (side note, SO satisfying).

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LOL, I think that gets out all my aggression about that. We're supposed to go out this Saturday to some Tiki lounge. I found the menu online and have planned out what I will eat (this means I will have to fast until dinner). I can get a side of szechuan green beans and jasmine rice (then not eat the rice) for 170cal, or I can get ahi poke and skip the avocado and chips for 155cal. My friends know me as a picky eater, so if I'm just like "Oh, I'm not a big fan of this kind of food," it wouldn't be a surprise. Then I'll avoid drinking by saying that I can't drink on the Wellbutrin and Topamax (even though I stopped the Wellbutrin), and leave it at that.

I think planning it out will avoid the anxieties that come with frantically looking at the menu upon arrival and realizing that everything is either disgusting or totally out of the calorie limit.

Thanks again for the comments! Time to get this day started... lol at 1:30pm :)

Epicure

Damn it. One of my best friends is coming to visit this weekend. She went away to some sciency internship/research thing this summer and claims the only thing to do at this like 1 horse town was go to the gym. So, she went from my lovable a-bit-more-than-chubby friend to being skinnier than me and my skinny friend.

Every time I see her I feel both competitive and defeated. It's hard to judge what she weighs now because she's lost so much weight. Sooo... now I'm thinking that instead of restricting, I should water fast for the next 2 days so I have Thursday to recover before my interview.

Plus, purely logistically speaking, if she's coming, this means my friends (who overindulge in food and alcohol) are going to want to go out all weekend. So, I'll have to leave my hidey-hole of an apartment and venture into society, trying to moderate what I let enter my mouth.

I'm going to re-channel this into something positive. The BF says I can only fast once a week, but I think this is an exception. So, yay for getting my butt into gear again.

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Wanted to expand on something that was inspired by [Ana's Post]. Today, I met my calorie goal of 400, but I had this horrible urge to bake. So, I made some funfetti cupcakes. I'm mixing this stupid thing and I start to think, "What if I reach my goal weight? And I'm *thin*? Will I stop thinking about terrible things like Cheese-On-A-Stick or baking after dark?"

And I came to a realization. No matter how thin I get, I will always be a fat girl trapped in a skinny girl's body. I hate my obsession with food. At one point, it made me feel happy and comforted, but now if it does, it's a short lived comfort followed by intense guilt and anxiety. But yet, I love everything about food.

My friends love to play "Would You Rather," and someone asked "Incredible sex for the rest of your life? OR amazing food for the rest of your life?"

The pig I am was like "Forget sex, I want ridiculously good food every day." This may have hurt my boyfriends feelings lol.

I'm glad to go back on the water fast. Even though I had cravings for food, it was so much easier because I felt like I had something I must stick to. No excuses. And when you aren't hungry, food just kind of floats out of your head until someone or something momentarily pushes it back in. So I guess, my real goals are 1) Lose this fat fast! 2) After I'm thin, work on my "relationship with food" ...I need a break up from it, it's made me vulnerable and needy. Food is the WORST boyfriend ever! hah.

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Have a good night gals! Drink some water :)

Office Space

Happy stupid Daylight Savings. We totally slept in today. Someone can't do math and set an alarm correctly.

Down another 2 pounds since ending the fast. So this week I'm just restricting and trying not to go crazy with school. Like I mentioned previously, I've got an interview on Friday, so I'll probably focus my calories toward eating less at the beginning of the week (~200ish) and then gradually increasing to 800 so I'm not out of it, and can nail this thing *hopefully.*

Thinking about doing a salt water colon cleanse on Saturday... if anyone's had experience with this, let me know!! I have to quit my bran, except for high cal days, so I think a colon cleanse might be beneficial. I just drank 8oz of prune juice which totally blows 180 cals out of my day! *grumble*

Eventually I have to motivate myself to get to my lab and do some research. I despise work. I cannot wait for this semester to be finished so I can graduate. Sometimes, I feel like if I can just get out of uni and into the real world, I'll become a productive member of society... but usually, I have this lingering fear that I'm just going to be like the guy from "Office Space" whose life ambition is to sit around and do absolutely nothing. I tell this to my friends and they dismiss me as "Oh, you'd get bored of doing nothing pretty quickly." UM you obviously have no idea what it's like to have depression! I think I would be quite content rotting away on a couch somewhere... and that frightens me to no end.

So, things that need to happen. I need to finish my huge paper (think 50-100 pages) so I can graduate with some dignity, lose this fatty fat, earn some money so I can finally have some new skinny clothes this summer--hello?! it is so not fair that I'm still wearing some things from high school and middle school. lol.

Ok. I've gotta motivate myself outta this apartment!!!!

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For your viewing pleasure, and to end this post on a high note...

Runway Model Thinspo ;)

And because I <3 legs!

And a little mean of me, but still within the theme... a reverse thinspo:

... A song to help you set the pace...

Free website - Wix.com









Broke the fast early this morning. Weight before breaking: 127.2! If you remember, before I started, I weighed 134 (stupid potato salad). So, I'm happyish.... I just kind of feel like I must be huge to lose that much weight--minus water weight--in only ~3 days. But I've been plateaued in the 135 area for so long (like 2 months), that this is serious progress.

Sliced up an apple into 8 pieces and ate half (35 cal), then gave the BF the other half. This was at like 4am. About an hour ago I cooked an egg (90 cal) and put some chives in it. Tonight I'll have chicken broth with diced celery (15 calories).

Thank you all for your encouraging words and advice on breaking the fast! I'm def. going to stay away from my dairy for a few days and stick to mostly veggies.

And I wanted to specifically comment on something [Ana] mentioned. So, my boyfriend DID end up going through my browser history and found the blog. At first I thought I would just delete it and start over, but he was so unfazed by the whole thing. I guess it's because he's seen me through 2 hospitalizations and a near suicide attempt... but I still really don't know what to think about it. I mean I'm glad he's one less person I have to lie about food to, but I feel like he's got some kind of underlying motive that I'm just too dumb to see right now. So, I asked him if he would just respect my privacy and not visit the blog and he could ask me whatever he wanted but let this be some place I could feel free and anonymous(ish!).

... This may come back to bite me though. But, overall, he was really supportive during my fast (it was cute, he would always go into another room or like out of the apartment when he was going to eat something!) and for the past several years since I've stopped eating like a *normal* person.

Vent vent vent.

So, I'm still losing even with the fast over. So hopefully I'll reach GW1 way sooner than March 20th (when I have to go home for Spring Break and have Paula Deen aka my mother force feed me jambalaya or deviled eggs or black bottom pie) and I can start working toward GW2.

OH Newsflash!!! We cleaned the kitchen LOL. And I feel like doing my homework for the first time in 2 weeks. So, feeling productive.

Whistling while I work.

Have a good week girls! I'll be reading your updates :)

Day 3 of 3-Day Water Fast

Watchmen was AMAZING. But this like huge cow sat in front of me with nachos, a hot dog, and a pretzel. I was so grossed out. And these like 10-year olds were in back of me like drinking their 200 oz. ICEEs and texting their BFFs. I love going out, but without the stupid disgusting people. Ah, I'm being too harsh! Everyone had a good time.

--

*sigh* My boyfriend is all pissed at me. He knows I have a new blog, and he knows I don't want him to read it. Fuck, if it was anything else, he would have forgotten about it. So he's moping in the other room. Whatever, more space for me to post uninterrupted.

Day 3 of Fast. I had talked about increasing this to five days. I'm not feeling any hunger, and other than the first headache I've had, I've really had no bad side effects of fasting. It's been hard, but worth it. I'm not going to post my weight until it's over, but I'm definitely losing over a pound a day.

The problem with continuing the fast is I think it's interacting with these meds I've just been put on for depression. I didn't want to talk about it before because I know I shouldn't probably even be on this since it may or may not have an increased risk of seizures, but my psych put me on Wellbutrin. I thought the pros outweighed the cons. But I haven't been sleeping well/nearly at all, I've been having really vivid dreams, and I got really sick this morning and couldn't keep my water down.

I think I got the meds out of my system this morning, and I'm back on water. I think I'll just stop the Wellbutrin and tell my Dr. it was way too activating next Thursday on our phone appointment.

So, I think just to be safe... I should end the fast at the end of the 3rd day instead of continuing on. It kind of makes me feel like a failure. I mean, I set out to do 3 days, but I started feeling like that wasn't good enough. Ugh. I'm just whiny, I guess.

Hopefully, the boyfriend will quit being mad at me later today and do the grocery shopping for both of us since there's no food and I need good, safe foods here to break my fast. Plus, our little pet lizard ran out of her food! No reason to starve her.

Here's my list of things I'm going to try in moderation:
loads of veggies -- carrots, bell peppers (I love to eat these like apples lol), raw broccoli, string beans
fruit -- pears, and strawberries, still have some apples in the fridge
low-fat tuna
non-fat cottage cheese
low-fat chedder string cheese
chicken broth
fresh dill & cilantro

Soooo we'll see. Obviously, I can't give up cheese. I used to be vegetarian but I could never go vegan b/c of my love of cheese... so if I can limit my intake, and eat them on higher cal days, I should be ok.

I hope you all are doing well!!!! Keep posting :)

Day 2 of 3-Day-Fast

Hey out there!

Thanks for those of you following me so far :) It makes me motivated to think I'm not talking to a wall!! Following you right back.

So I'm super pissed for no reason... like all the time. I think it's the Pill. It always fucks me up. But I think I've been relatively cheerful despite driving solely on H20 for about 39 hours. Got in a confrontation with a librarian yesterday. I wanted to throw my glass SoBe bottle I've been keeping my water in in the middle of the library floor and watch it shatter, but I needed my water with me (and I can't get thrown into an institution and force fed... again).

Last night I had some crazy dreams and didn't sleep well. Took some advil for a hunger headache and got so nauseated I threw up later--bad idea in hindsight, I know. Obvs the headache is worth it and I should be thankful. I don't really feel hungry. 

The meds I'm on for being basically a crazy bitch make me a bit wired and added with the weak feeling of not eating, I feel a bit high. 

--

In other news, going to see "Watchmen" tonight! I'm excited about the movie, but this will really test my will power because I love snaking on at least *something* during a film. I'll be strong though. I'm not going to mess up all my hard work for stupid Sour Patch Kids. Ugh. Not one piece of anything will pass my lips until at least Sunday morning. Promise! Hold me to it people!!

Think thin and stay positive :) 

And the weight goes marching off!

ha! I just weighed myself on my trusty Wii Fit (side note: A day can be made or broken by that bitchy little Wii Fit. So judgemental. At least scales can't talk to you)..... 130.5!

When I weighed myself at my mother's, it was fluctuating between 133/134. I haven't been down to 130 since Sept./Oct. when I (again) visited my mother and she made me eat all her Southern cooking. It's buttery poison. God, fatty fatty.

Ok, so in just 2 days, if my metabolism has boosted and shed these stubborn pounds I've been holding onto for sooo long, I am so excited. I'm glad I didn't cave and get the tomato juice and chicken broth at the corner store earlier this evening. I went home and drank more water. I don't have class until Tuesday, so if the fast goes well, I might be able to extend the fast until Monday! I've got a shit-ton of work to do, so I think I'm just going to clean the kitchen (which smells and will kill any apetite I may aquire over the next few days) and park myself in the living room and start working. Distractions, hooray!

Melt with me!

Day 1 of 3-Day-Fast

I started my fast today. Tried to empty everything in my system before the fast with 2 servings of bran disguised with fat free yogurt (260 cal) yesterday... didn't work. My digestive system is *so* broken. For dinner I had salad with a little low-fat vinaigrette dressing on the side, and I gave my boyfriend the croutons (~40-50 cal). 

Basically, I've just kept a bottle with water and a little cal. free flavoring in it *literally* every where I've been. I haven't been hungry yet. Any time I've had a craving, I just take sips from the bottle and it seems to take care of the craving. I've drank at least 50 oz so far. 

I've done 1-2 day fasts before so hopefully this will be easy and the pounds will start coming off. My metabolism has been kind of sluggish from restricting, so after the fast I need to figure out how to freak out my metabolism... I'm thinking 2-4-6-8? Luckily, there's not too much food in the house, and my boyfriend has basically eaten what is there. I think he secretly wants me to be super thin and beautiful, so he's eating everything that will tempt me. I wish.

If this goes well, I think I'll fast again next weekend. I have an interview on Friday (!!!), so I need to be energetic for that. But Saturday-Monday I'll have no classes and can waste away on the couch. 

Starve on!!

going home...

so I'm going back to the apartment. Flat out told the boyfriend that I wanted to try a new detoxifying diet 3 day fast and that monks do it all the time and one of my 50 year old friends tried it. He was skeptical, but I think he just kind of turns the other way and let's me do whatever I want.

Hopefully I can stay on track. I feel like a poisoned fatty cow. Just take me out to the yard and shoot me.

As soon as I get home, I'm throwing away my lowfat Babybell cheeses. I love them, but I know they'll fuck me up. I think those are the only bad food I have left in the house. I've got some fat free yogurts that will expire soon and oranges that may or may not be bad. Growing up poor, throwing away food has always tinged me with guilt, so I when I toss it I always have to like pour dish soap on it or something. I just think of my mother, probably at home eating cat food.

Ugh, but better wasted than waisted.

I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist. For something completely unrelated (ha. In the sense that he doesn't know about my relationship with eating...). I'm on Topamax right now; I convinced them to give it to me for headaces, which it does wonders for, but I really want it to kill my appetite. It doesn't even do that anymore. Fuckin' makes me angry. Pumping all these meds in me and I'm still having cravings. SO, maybe while I'm there to talk about my crazy issues I'll see if there's a poss. of upping the Topamax.

The airconditioner is broken and it's so hot under the freaking covers. Maybe I will melt away.

less puffy?

So I wake up today feeling a little more concave. I think that's like the best feeling in the world, which is odd because when I was younger I was so self conscious about how my rib cage stuck out (I used to think it looked like I had 2 sets of boobs). Now, I just bask in the days when I'm not bloated or puffy and my stomach just sinks in. Amazing.

This rarely happens now because I also have IBS, so the puffiness is frequent. TMI little bit? ha. God, it's like my digestive system is like against me from all sides.

I haven't eaten anything today, which is amazing. But I haven't had much to drink either.... which is horrible. So I better get on that. Wish me luck avoiding food and avoiding people forcing me to eat food.

Can't get time alone...

I hate that every time I turn around, it seems like someone is trying to shove food down my throat. I'm visiting my mother, and of course, she keeps trying to feed me and double my portions. I'm running out of excuses for why I'm not eating it.

I go out and my friends want to drink. Or get lunch.

When I get back home, my boyfriend, who is obsessed with food will just want to pig out. God. I'm just so tired of food. I just want it away from me. I don't even want food until I start eating, then I just feel like what's the point and my goal of like 200 calories turns into eating like 1200.

Yesterday: potato salad (238), tapioca x6... I seriously binged (666. Yeah I deserve that), rum and diet coke... tasted like shit but at least it was one productive thing (65).
total --> (969)

Today: potato salad 1/2 (119), 1/2 single pizza (502).
total --> (621)

I think I'm going over to my friend's and she's going to force feed me a bloody mary. Who drinks those past like noon. So I might have to add like another (150). UGH.

Sad day. I used to live by myself in a lovely studio where I was so lonely but I wasted the days away, a starving artist. So productive.

If I go abroad next year, I'll be so thin and miserable and inspired :)

This is it.

I've been so much stronger. I don't know why I feel weak right now and can't seem to accomplish what I want, much less control over my food. It just makes me sick.

This time last year, I was so powerful. It felt so good. I need to get back to that. But better. I'm just giving in to every little piece of food I see, and I don't even want to eat it. Potato salad? Please. Drinks tonight? Let's do it.

God. I had so much more will power.

Anyway, enough of the pity parties. I need to get myself back into gear. Here's the stats:

height: 5 ft 7 in
HW: 156
LW: 115
CW: 134
1GW: 123 (I want to get here by March 20th)

So. I have 20 days to drop 10 pounds. It'll be hard. But I think I can do it.

I'm thinking about some diets to kick start my metabolism which has been sluggish from restricting (http://www.angelfire.com/me4/sumofallparts/), then starting a 3 day fast and rotating.

There's a lot I've got to accomplish in these next few months and I can't look like a freaking sea cow or feel so damn sluggish.

Anyway, I'm feeling better. I've just got to avoid that potato salad, get to the grocery store, and throw all that poisonous food in my house away.

Cheers!